


Fighting Chance

by Amalgam000



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, F/M, Post-Endgame, Post-Season/Series Finale, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amalgam000/pseuds/Amalgam000
Summary: Several months after Voyager’s return to the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay’s anthropological mission to the planet Valona goes awry, leaving him stranded and struggling to survive long enough for Starfleet to rescue him. Chakotay/Janeway romance, angst
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 20
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well here you go, a little story to take your mind off things in these troubling times (my motto is: Keep calm and read fanfiction!). I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and its characters are the property of CBS Paramount, this is for entertainment only, no infringement intended!

“Chakotay. Chakotay, wake up.”

A voice. Muffled. Seeping through the numbness of his mind, worming its way into his consciousness. There was something familiar about it, and about the tone. It brooked no discussion. It made him want to obey and wake up. But another part of him didn’t want to. It liked the numbness that had come with oblivion.

“Chakotay. You have to _wake up_.”

Kathryn.

Chakotay recognized her voice almost at the exact moment he became aware of everything else: his skull pounding with a steady and painful beat, his breath hitching in his ribcage every time he inhaled, the coldness of the air on the skin of his face, the numbness of his hands. The acute pain in his side was almost unbearable, so he held his breath for a few extra seconds. Something halfway between a whimper and a grunt of pain escaped his lips when he tried inhaling again.

Chakotay forced his eyes to open. Everything was dark, but after a brief moment of panic, he realized that he wasn’t blind – it was just dark. Suddenly there was a figure leaning over him. He couldn’t quite see her features, but he’d recognize her anywhere. He frowned in confusion.

“Kathryn,” he croaked through clenched teeth. His tongue felt like sand paper. Tasted like it too. “I don’t understand, what-”

“I know you’re confused, but we have to go, now.”

It didn’t make sense – _something_ felt out place. Yet he couldn’t quite remember what or why. The information was there, he knew it, if only he could focus and stop that hammering inside his skull. He hitched in a painful breath again as he closed his eyes in a feeble attempt to shake away the haziness in his mind. “What?”

“We can’t stay here! You have to get up.”

He could now feel the hard ground he was lying on, sharp rocks and twigs digging into his back. The air smelled of evergreens, decayed vegetation and sand. When he opened his eyes again, Kathryn’s silhouette was still in shadows, but the sharp pains all over his body were crystal clear. Broken ribs. Bruised knee. And obviously he’d hit his head. He gingerly raised fingers numb with cold to touch his temple, and when he pulled them back they were covered with a slick substance. Blood. He pushed himself up and his breath puffed against the cold when the grunt of pain passed his lips.

He took a second to try and get his bearings, and looked around. They were surrounded by a thin forest. It was night, but there was enough moonlight (from two moons) coming through the trees to illuminate their surroundings. They were at the base of a rocky cliff – had he fallen off the edge? It certainly _felt_ like he had. The scenery looked vaguely familiar, but the recognition was fleeting. Where the hell were they?

“Kathryn,” he rasped again, “what happened?” Of its own volition, his body started shaking to warm itself, making his teeth clatter together. Chakotay closed and opened his fist a couple of times in a feeble attempt to shake away the numbness.

“It’ll have to wait. Come on.”

The urgency in her voice truly registered this time, despite the clouds that refused to part in his head, and he noticed her looking around nervously, all senses on alert, as if watching out for something. Or someone. He didn’t know what was going on – it was on the tip of his brain, but it slipped every time he tried to catch the memory. One thing he did know: he trusted Kathryn implicitly. Clearly she knew what was going on, she’d help him through this.

“Alright,” he breathed out, his hand going to rest against his side, as if it would help contain the pain. He closed his eyes when the world started spinning, and when he opened his eyes again he was up on his feet, dizzy and nauseous, head pounding. But he was up on his feet. Chakotay took a second to catch his breath and test his legs. His feet were numb with cold and his knee hurt, but he could walk.

Kathryn now stood a few feet from him, her body tense, her eyes on her tricorder. She encouraged him to follow her with a head nod, and all he could do was comply, trusting that she’d bring him to safety.

Chakotay noticed almost nothing of his surroundings as he followed her along a path parallel to the cliff. They spoke very little as they trudged through the rough terrain and undergrowth – well, he trudged and she walked. His shivering had stopped at some point, his body warming up with the effort of walking, but the pain in his head and his side didn’t show any signs of abating, in fact it was getting worse. It made every step he took excruciating and every breath like fire in his side. And his thinking was too slow, clearly something was very wrong with him.

At some point he glanced up, and it registered that the sky was slowly getting lighter.

Kathryn stopped walking and turned to face him. “It’s almost daytime, we’re running out of time. Let’s find shelter, a spot where they won’t find us.”

He still couldn’t recall what or who exactly they were running from, and he was too focused on _breathing_ to ask. He figured she’d tell him if he needed to know, so he nodded his consent.

She raised her tricorder again and swiveled around a couple of times. A muffled voice in his head wondered if the cliffs had caves. At the same moment, Kathryn’s tricorder beeped and she shot him a smile – the kind of smile that had never, _never,_ failed to make his heart skip a beat.

“Looks like we’re in luck. This way,” she told him, still smiling triumphantly.

Her eagerness was contagious, and though Chakotay could barely afford a smile, something inside of him warmed at the all too familiar expression. “How far, do you think?” He gasped more than whispered, his breathing getting too ragged for his liking. He stumbled over a root and he fell hard on his knees, the shock of him hitting the ground sending ripples of agonizing pain through him. He cursed.

Kathryn was suddenly crouching in front of him, her expression torn with concern, her eyes pleading with him to keep going.

“Don’t give up now. We both know the Valiq won’t stop until they find you again. I won’t let that happen, Chakotay.”

Chakotay met her eyes again, her words nudging _something_ loose in his memories. The Valiq. Yes. He’d been sent to assess whether they were good candidates for first contact. But what had gone wrong? Why were they after them now?

He shook the thoughts away, focusing on his breathing instead and doing his utmost not to retch. He braced himself, then pushed himself up slowly.

“Good man. Not long now. Just hold on a while longer, Chakotay.”

He had never wanted anything so badly than to please her, but he was starting to worry that his body might not let him this time. He had preferred the cold numbness to this fire that seemed to want to consume him whole, starting with his side and lungs. But he pushed on.

Chakotay lost track of time as painful seconds turned into agonizing minutes. He focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and not losing sight of Kathryn ahead – she seemed unharmed and unaffected by the cold, so Chakotay struggled to keep up. When his legs shook with effort and his breathing became so shallow he thought he would pass out any second, he looked up just as Kathryn smiled over her shoulder and pointed toward a crack in the cliff. From the distance it looked too narrow for anyone to slip through, but as they approached, Chakotay realized that it was large enough for one person to go through at a time.

Though not exactly sure why, he somehow _knew_ that beyond this narrow entrance was a wider cave. And he knew that they would be safe there for the time being.

Just as they were approaching the crevasse, Chakotay’s muddled brain picked up shouts in the distance. The sound kindled an instinctual surge of panic in his chest – he exchanged an anxious glance with Kathryn before they started moving again. Chakotay traipsed behind her as fast as he could, making sure to erase any footprints they might have left behind. Once inside, he immediately recognized his surroundings. It was almost like a déjà-vu – like he knew this place but without knowing from where or when.

“I’ve been here before, haven’t I?” He croaked as they both fumbled through the semi-darkness of the cave. The first rays of daylight were seeping through a couple of cracks in the back of the cave, just allowing them to see where they were going.

“Apparently,” she said as pointed at the Starfleet-issued gear scattered around the cave –provisions, tricorders and other pieces of equipment. At the center there was a small bundle of rocks, which someone had likely used as heat radiators.

Chakotay walked in and, after letting himself drop as gracefully and as painlessly as he could (he failed at both) next to the small heating ring, he searched through one of the bags. He let out a raspy triumphant chuckle when he found a phaser.

Kathryn grinned. “Well, congratulations are in order, _Professor_ Chakotay!”

He would have smiled in response if her words and expression hadn’t triggered _something_ in his memory again. _Professor._ For a millisecond the dark cave around Kathryn disappeared and shifted into something else – she was standing in her office, smiling proudly at him. But there was a hint of melancholy in that smile too. _Well, congratulations are in order, Professor Chakotay!_ The memory vanished as quickly as it had appeared and Chakotay frowned as he busied himself with heating the rocks with the phaser so that they would diffuse warmth.

Once that was done, he started fumbling through the gear for a medkit, but all he could find was a hypospray and multiple doses of painkillers. It wouldn’t fix what was wrong with him _,_ but it might help with the pain enough for him to finally clear his mind and figure out a plan.

Meanwhile Kathryn walked around their rocky shelter, at once exploring and making sure they were safe. She stood by the entrance for a while, listening. But the shouts had stopped.

“Kathryn, what’s going on? What are we doing here?” Chakotay asked at last. He could breathe a little easier now, thanks to the pain killers he had injected himself with. The pounding in his head dulled to a constant throbbing. With the pain fading and the heat coming off of the rocks, he suddenly felt drowsy. He lay down and closed his eyes. Just for a minute.

“The Valiq had you prisoner. You escaped,” she replied, her voice sounding far away.

Right. But... “How? Why? I can’t remember anything,” Chakotay said, frustrated and scared in equal measure. Why couldn’t he remember anything?

“I know.” Her voice was closer now, quieter. When Chakotay opened his eyes she was leaning over him again and smiling softly down at him. Her hand came to rest on his chest. “You’re safe here. Sleep. Everything will be clearer when you wake up. I’m not going anywhere.”

Chakotay let his eyes close, his hand reaching to take hers and hold on. As if somehow he knew – or remembered – that their return to the Alpha Quadrant had in fact meant the opposite.

oooOooo

Chakotay was dreaming.

He was running through unfamiliar woods as if the hounds of hell were at his heels. His lungs were on fire, and so were his legs, but he refused to stop. Cadets Martinez and Crawford, wearing Valiquan tunics and overcoats, were running ahead with Lieutenant Ayala. He could tell that they were tiring too, tripping over roots and breathing hard. The gravity on this planet was slightly higher than Earth’s, and Chakotay could feel the extra g-force weighing him down. It wasn’t much, but just enough to make it feel as though he were carrying more weight than usual.

“Come on, we’re almost there!” His dream-self shouted, urging his team forward. He could hear shouts of angry voices from behind them, surrounding them.

He heard the energy blast right before it hit a tree five feet to his left, scattering bits of mulch everywhere. Chakotay ducked instinctively, protecting his head, but he still found himself covered in debris and dirt. He cursed under his breath when he started running again – the ducking had cost them all way too many precious seconds.

More energy blasts exploded all around them as they ran, jumping over roots and ducking under branches. He checked his tricorder again – about 200 meters and they’d be safely back in the shuttle.

Ahead of him, he heard Ayala send a distress call to the Einstein, requesting support as soon as the ship was within range. Chakotay didn’t hear a response, but he wasn’t surprised, given the communication interferences on this planet. Martinez tripped just as an energy blast blew up to their right. On instinct, Chakotay covered her body with his own and chanced to look behind.

The Valiq were closing in. Cursing, Ayala rushed back to help Martinez up, and they started running again. “Sir, come on!” Crawford called over his shoulder when he saw Chakotay wasn’t following.

Chakotay could now see faces through the trees and the numbers of explosions around them intensified. They were closing in. “Go! Go! I’ll cover you!” He urged the team to keep going, while his other hand searched for his phaser. He cursed when he remembered he’d left it in the cave with the rest of their gear. This had been supposed to be an observation mission, not anything like _this_!

Bracing himself, he sprang up and started running again. He knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to catch up with the others in time, so instead he went in a different direction, hoping to lead the Valiq away from his team and the shuttle – just long enough to give them a chance to escape and get help. He ran for about fifty meters before he heard the blast – and then felt it hit his side in a mix of searing heat and pain.

Chakotay woke up with a start, heart drumming in his chest, his body drenched in feverish sweat.

The dream had felt so real – he could still feel the blast and smell the putrid scent of charred skin. With shaking hands, he pulled his Valiquan tunic up. There was no evidence of weapon’s fire, but his ribcage was bruised a toxic mix of yellows and purples.

What did that mean? Had he really been shot? Had his subconscious shown him actual memories? It must have been – it explained so much, and somehow, his instinct told him this had been an actual memory. But given the energy released by those weapons, if he’d been hit... he should be dead. Had he been healed, somehow? Whatever the case, he could only hope that the dream meant Ayala had actually gotten the cadets to safety and had gotten help from Starfleet. That would certainly explain how Kathryn had found him. But why would _she_ come all this way to rescue him? Despite his muddled senses, a part of him remembered this it wasn’t her job anymore.

All this thinking made his head hurt.

The pain had returned in both his side and his head, so he injected himself with another dose of pain killers. Then he dropped himself back down onto his back, panting with pain and the effort. Why couldn’t he think straight yet? Had he been drugged? Or was this the result of some more serious damage to his brain?

Kathryn might know.

Chakotay forced his eyes to open again and he lifted his head just high enough to look for her around the cave. There was no sign of her, and before Chakotay could wonder where she had gone, he passed out again.

oooOooo

When Chakotay next woke up, the heated rocks had turned cold again, and no light shone through the cracks in the roof of the cave, indicating that daytime had come and gone. He fumbled to inject himself with another dose of painkillers before carefully sitting up. His head spun. Closing his eyes against the dizziness, he fumbled though his bag and found some water and rations, including some of the local fresh fruits he liked. He felt nauseous, but he knew he had to stay hydrated. He heated the rocks again before taking a couple of small sips of water, and bit into one of the yellow fruits. It was juicy and sweet, just what he'd been craving.

That’s when Kathryn returned. She looked well-rested and unaffected by the situation, and she smiled when she saw he was up. “You’re awake, good.”

He offered her a bite from the fruit but she declined. She threw him an arch look. “What I wouldn’t give for coffee though! Coffee! The finest organic suspension ever devised. It’s got me through the worst of it. I beat the Borg with it!”

Chakotay blinked, and for a moment he found himself in Kathryn’s ready room aboard Voyager. When he blinked again the memory was gone, and Kathryn was looking at him with concern. “I’ve been thinking. I think we should stay here until someone comes for us.”

Chakotay frowned as he took another small bite. Even _chewing_ made his head hurt. “I thought _you_ were my rescue party.”

He touched the tender spot on his head again. It was still sore, but at least the bleeding had stopped. He was still concerned about the possibility of having a concussion, but there wasn’t much he could do about that without a more complete medkit or even a medical tricorder.

She smiled indulgently. “Oh no, I’m just here for moral support.”

He pulled one of the pants up his leg to check on his knee. It was slightly swollen but –

Suddenly her words registered. He looked up at her in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

She leaned closer, eager. As if he’d just figured out the solution to a problem she had presented him with. “ _Think_ , Chakotay, why else would I be here?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head – he was in no mood for mind games. “Kathryn, what are you talking about?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m not real, Chakotay.”

A chill ran down his spine.

What the hell was she talking about? She had led him here, she had found the cave… She had… Hadn’t she? He glanced around. The feeling of nausea spiked when he realized that there _was_ no evidence that she had ever truly been here – her feet didn’t leave imprints in the sand where she walked, and she looked exactly as he’d always seen her on Voyager: mischievous, hair carefully styled, no trace of her even feeling how cold it was, and no evidence of physical exhaustion. _This,_ he realized, was what had been nagging at him since he’d woken up and found her leaning over him. _She_ shouldn’t be here. But if she wasn’t his Kathryn, then…

He reached for his phaser and pointed it at her. “Who are you?”

Her expression turned indulgent at the way his arm shook, but he detected a hint of frustration, too. “I’m only here to help you off this planet. Chakotay, you have to trust me.”

Chakotay blinked, head spinning. “Trust you? For all I know you’re the one who’s been drugging me all this time! Now answer me, who the hell are you?”

Her calm expression didn’t budge. “Chakotay, we’ve been through too much to stop trusting each other.”

Those words rang familiar, and a memory of him sitting at her captain’s table as she said those words, her face illuminated by candlelight, flashed through his brain. “Stop it!” Ignoring the pain that shot through every part of his body, he moved as quickly as he could to grab her by the arms. She felt real enough, but maybe his senses were so muddled that he only _thought_ she felt real…? He grunted as he leaned closer. “Tell me who you are and what you want from me!” He panted, her face close to his. God, whomever she was, she even _smelled_ like Kathryn.

Her expression didn’t change but Chakotay could tell she wasn’t impressed by his attempt at intimidation. Exactly what he would have expected from Kathryn Janeway. “I’m in your head, Chakotay. A hallucination. If you don’t know why you’ve brought me here, then no one does."

Chakotay looked into her eyes, searching for any signs of deception, but all he could see was _her._ His eyes moved down to the pips at her collar – there were four of them instead of the five she’d worn for the last few months. He released her arms and stumbled back, shaking. His head spun and cold sweat beaded on his forehead.

“Stop wasting your energy on me, Chakotay. You have a fever,” she pointed out with genuine concern.

Chakotay nodded as he rested his hand on the cave wall to keep from keeling over. “I know.”

It didn’t even occur to him not to reply or to ignore her. He didn’t know what to think or what to believe, but at that precise moment he stopped caring. Whomever or whatever she was, so far she hadn’t led him astray – at least as far as he could fathom. And he had other fish to fry.

“So what’s the plan?” She asked as she walked closer again, hands on her hips, her determined expression all too familiar.

“I have to get out of here. Off this planet.”

“That’s right,” she agreed and Chakotay would have smiled if he weren’t in such pain, or so confused by the situation.

“Two minutes ago you suggested we stay put,” he replied cynically as he holstered the phaser inside his tunic and wandered around the cave to make a mental inventory of what he would need to take with him.

“I’ve changed my mind,” she drawled. Damn him if she didn’t sound _just_ like Kathryn.

“The way I see it,” he said out loud, trying to focus, as if speaking would help him clear his thoughts, “there are two things I need if I’m going to make it: medical supplies, and a way to make contact with Starfleet.”

“Why can’t you use your combadge?”

Chakotay paused, his hand going to his chest out of habit – there was nothing there but the thick woolen fabric of his tunic. He could now remember having his Starfleet combadge in his inside pocket when he and his team had made a run for the shuttle… had he somehow lost it in the pursuit? Had the Valiq taken it from him when they’d taken him prisoner? Whatever the case, it would be of no use to him unless he could find it again. And there was little chance of that – so he’d have to find another way.

Kathryn pursed her lips. “For what it’s worth, you should start with the medical supplies. You’ve looked better, Chakotay.”

“You’re probably right, but I can’t risk getting caught again. I don’t think I could survive another blast of those weapons – and besides, I’m still operating under the Prime Directive. I don’t know if – or how much – they got out of me before I escaped, I can’t risk causing any more damage than I already have.”

He grabbed the tricorder from a bag and searched through the last recorded data. Kathryn moved closer to look over his shoulder.

“I think… Before we landed nearby,” he explained, only vaguely aware that if she were telling the truth, he was talking to himself, “we scanned for settlements to avoid detection. There was a small town a couple of kilometers from where we hid the shuttle. The tricorder recorded the coordinates. Maybe I can find a way of communicating with Starfleet there. The Valiq should have the necessary technology to send some kind of signal.”

“That’s as good a place to start as any!” Imaginary-Kathryn exclaimed eagerly, patting his shoulder. Her tone was teasing, and somewhat too light-hearted for the moment. This was the Kathryn Janeway that had always drawn him in; the lively, curious, teasing, Kathryn that had owned his heart for years. If this was his subconscious telling him he’d made a mistake by trying to move on…!

He resolutely shook the thought away as he resumed his preparations.

oooOooo

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

“The problem is the background frequency that holds the arrays together.”

“We’ve tried modifying the sensors to compensate for all that, but we haven’t had any luck so far!”

Captain Khalid Shermik sat at the head of the briefing table, listening as his officers brainstormed for ways of finding Mr. Chakotay. He had been missing for over four days now, and Shermik’s team hadn’t had any luck in finding a way to locate him without alerting the Valiq to their presence in their solar system.

A couple of months ago, the USS Einstein had been tasked with escorting anthropologists, namely Mr. Chakotay and two of his upper-level Academy students, to the Valona system. As part of the cadets’ training in the diplomatic corps, the team was meant to go undercover in order to assess the potential of the inhabitants for first contact. The mission in itself had not been particularly risky, which is why Starfleet had sent an Academy professor (who was admittedly also a renown Maquis-slash-Voyager-crew-turned-anthropologist) for the job. However the complexity and risk of this particular mission was increased because of an intricate surveillance system the planet’s inhabitants – in particular members of the Valiq Nation – had set up in orbit of their planet to, they assumed, monitor outer space. It was so complex it was damn near impossible to scan the planet without detection – so much so that Khalid’s Chief Engineer had nicknamed it “the blockade.”

Mr. Chakotay and his team had been made aware that this would complicate communication and transport, but Chakotay had been adamant that he’d seen worse, and had been ready to take the risk. Khalid had sent a security officer, Lieutenant Ayala, along anyway. Ayala had been part of the Voyager crew (and Chakotay’s Maquis crew before that) prior to being assigned to the Einstein, and Chakotay had seemed to appreciate Khalid’s effort to make the mission as seamless as possible.

For the first few weeks, the mission went well, so Khalid was allowed by Starfleet to venture a few lightyears away to chart the area instead of just waiting around for Chakotay and his team to return with recommendations.

Things had turned to the worst four days ago, when Ayala had returned with the students. But no Chakotay. The crew had spent every waking hour looking for ways of scanning the planet without detection since then, but without any luck. Another alternative would be to send an away team on the ground to investigate, but Shermik didn’t have permission to confront the Valiq in any way, yet. It irked him that Starfleet Command seemed more concerned with damage control to the prime directive, than with finding Mr. Chakotay. He had sent a request for back-up the day before, but so far had heard nothing.

Khalid stood to his feet as he walked closer to the monitors showing the so-called blockade. “What if we-”

“Bridge to Captain Shermik.”

“Go ahead.”

“Sensors picked up a Starfleet vessel approaching.”

Speak of the devil… Khalid nodded as he strode toward the door to the bridge. “Right. I’ll be right there. Thank you all,” he told his officers in the briefing room, “please carry on.”

He straightened his uniform as he made his way to the bridge. “Who do we have the honor of welcoming to this system, Lieutenant?” he asked as he made his way to stand in front of the screen.

“It’s… Voyager, sir. They’re hailing us.”

Voyager.

_Of course_ it had to be Voyager. Suddenly he had a pretty good idea just whom exactly he would have the pleasure of dealing with. He should have known _this_ admiral would answer his call. He took the time to take in a deep, bracing breath, before he nodded to Lieutenant Markham. “On screen. Admiral Janeway,” he greeted once the video communication was established.

“Captain Shermik,” she greeted, standing on the bridge of Voyager. “I was rather hoping we’d meet again under better circumstances.”

Khalid’s gaze shifted beyond the admiral’s shoulder to the officers on the bridge. Most of them were famous now, of course: Captain Tuvok, Lieutenant Kim, Lieutenant Paris, Lieutenant Torres, and the infamous Seven of Nine… There were a couple of unfamiliar faces, but all looked as grave as the admiral.

Khalid had met Admiral Janeway once before, at a gala to welcome Voyager back home, and he had liked her sense of humor, curiosity, and sociability. But none of that was reflected in her expression now. If he could venture a guess, he’d say she looked… deeply anxious, but doing her utmost to hide it.

“Will you tell me what the hell happened, or do I have to guess?” She drawled after a moment.

Khalid shook himself and nodded. “I’m happy to provide an update on the situation. However I imagine you’d prefer to talk with the rest of Mr. Chakotay’s team directly? They are unharmed and anxious to help.”

“You’ve read my mind, Captain.” She nodded, her hands going to her hips. “Or my file,” she drawled sarcastically. Her expression softened slightly. “Your message said you needed assistance in breaching the orbital surveillance, I’ve brought some reinforcements,” she added with a ghost of a smile, pointing to the officers behind her.

Khalid let a smile touch his face. “We’re all relieved to see that, Admiral. The Einstein isn’t quite equipped to deal with situations like this, and, to be honest, we’ve hit a wall with the surveillance system. Fresh eyes are just what we need.”

“Voyager’s team will want to meet with your engineers so that they can be brought up to speed about what has and hasn’t been done. With your permission we’ll transport right away.”

Khalid nodded. “We’re happy to welcome you onboard, Admiral.”

She gave a final nod and the transmission ended. Khalid didn’t lose any time before making his way to the turbolift.

“That went pretty well, considering,” Markham muttered under his breath.

Khalid was inclined to agree, under the circumstances.

oooOooo

_2 months ago_

Kathryn sat in her office at Starfleet Command, perusing files and taking notes to prepare for the briefing.

This felt like the bulk of what she did these days: attending briefings, going to meetings, reading reports, writing up summaries and memos of said briefings... Not that she was complaining; on a good day she enjoyed the challenges that accompanied her promotion to vice admiral. She enjoyed the feeling of having accomplished something. She enjoyed being part of the decision-making process. She enjoyed being on Earth and having a normal, mostly sedentary life. She enjoyed looking up at the night sky and finding familiar stars. And she enjoyed the perks of being able to go on missions whenever she felt restless and needed to go back on a starship.

In fact, so far she had been back on Voyager twice, and she had been proud to see Tuvok take leadership and gaining the crew’s respect as the captain. Lieutenant Kim had also stepped up to his new responsibilities – especially in providing an example for the new, greener, officers aboard. B’Elanna and Tom were adjusting to parenthood surprisingly well, while Seven was of course still exceptionally bright and efficient. Kathryn’s pride in them all had always superseded the nostalgia she’d felt at stepping a foot aboard her dear Voyager.

There were times, though… There were times when she missed it all. She missed the crew, the adventure, the adrenaline rush, the discoveries… The sense of purpose. Today was one of those days. The gloomy San Francisco weather outside her window didn’t do anything to help her mood as she tried to focus on her files.

Just as she stood to get another cup of coffee, there was a chime at the door. “Come in,” she called without looking up from pouring her cup.

An amused chuckle. “It’s nice to see _some_ things never change.”

Kathryn’s heart somersaulted in her chest when she recognized the voice, the teasing tone. Chakotay was standing in the doorway, hands at his hips and his trademark teasing smile on his face. Kathryn felt a rush of pleasure at seeing him. She put her cup down as she walked around her desk to greet him.

“You should know by now my coffee intake is a universal constant!” She replied in kind, smiling so widely it felt as though her face might crack. She stopped just short of colliding with him, suddenly unsure how to greet him. A hug? Too casual. A handshake? Too formal. In the end she reached out to squeeze his hand briefly.

He looked well – clearly his new life agreed with him. There was a certain glint in his eyes, and Kathryn couldn’t quite stop staring at him, drinking him in. He seemed different, somehow – taller, more… _More._ Whatever it was, it stirred something inside of her, something she couldn’t quite put into words. He felt like the return of spring after a long, dreary winter

He had resigned from Starfleet and started his new position as a civilian instructor at the Academy several weeks before, and, despite the fact that they both lived in San Francisco, they could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times they had seen each other since Voyager’s return. Granted, part of that was because of Kathryn herself – after learning of his involvement with Seven, Kathryn had deemed it wise to… put some distance between them for a while. If only for the safety of her own heart. She’d even been on a couple of dates, but though charming, the men she had met had never quite seemed to measure up. She’d told herself they hadn’t measured up to her own standards, but, seeing Chakotay now, her heart nearly bursting with emotion, she realized then that it was _him_ they hadn’t measured up to _._ When had he come to embody what she sought for in an ideal partner, and why, oh why, hadn’t she realized it before?

He shook himself first and Kathryn realized she’d been staring. “I hope it’s not a bad time, I was in the building, so I thought I’d stop by,” he explained as he glanced around her office.

“On the contrary, your timing is excellent – I don’t think I could have read one more line of that file without my eyes glazing over.”

He hummed in reply, nodding. “Hence the… fourth cup of coffee? Or is it the fifth?” He teased, grinning, that gleam making his eyes twinkle.

“Third, actually! Would you like one?” She asked as she gestured for him to sit and she went to pick up her cup again.

He shook his head. “No, thanks, I can’t stay long,” he replied even as he perched on the edge of one of the chairs across from her desk and leaned his elbows on his thighs. “I’m really just dropping by, but I actually have some news. I just came from chatting with Admiral Meyers. I’m going on an assignment.”

“Going? I thought your new job was to _hand out_ assignments.”

He tugged on his earlobe as he replied in the same joking tone, leaning back into the chair. “Sometimes it does feel like it’s what I do most of the time now. But it looks like the Powers That Be at Starfleet Command think I can contribute something to the Federation after all. I was asked to assess the possibility of first contact with the people of Valona, the Valiq, in particular. I’m taking a couple of students from the diplomatic corps. It’s not quite the archaeological fieldwork I was hoping for, but it’ll be a good anthropological experience for the students nonetheless.”

Kathryn nodded. Ever since their return, she knew Chakotay had struggled to show Starfleet and the Federation that he had turned a new leaf. He and the other Maquis aboard Voyager had been pardoned based on Kathryn’s _vehement_ recommendation (vehement was putting it mildly), but with few exceptions it had seemed like the pardon had been granted backhandedly. And to an honorable man like Chakotay – _that_ was almost as bad as not getting pardoned at all. So she understood why he would be so willing to do this, even though it wasn’t entirely the kind of anthropology he dreamed of doing.

“Valona,” Kathryn repeated a she half-sat on her desk. “I remember reading the recommendations from the first report. From what I hear this one might be a delicate mission – some of the nations there seem a little… xenophobic, if I recall.”

Chakotay nodded. “Right. But it’s nothing we haven’t dealt with in the Delta Quadrant. Or even here on Earth. However it does mean that I might be there a while. Several weeks at least. Our job is to observe and make some official recommendations, so we want to make sure we have a good sense of these people before we make a decision.”

Kathryn nodded as she absorbed this information, and tried to ignore the pang the news created in her chest. She should be happy for him, for this opportunity to prove himself to Starfleet, and she _was_ – but part of her worried, and even hurt at the thought of how much she would miss him. How much she’d been missing him. It did make her curious about one thing though… “How does Seven feel about this…assignment?” She asked, carefully trying to school her expression into one of mild interest. Seven had decided to remain on Voyager, and Kathryn felt a kind of morbid curiosity to learn how this long-distance arrangement was working for them.

He seemed taken aback by the question and watched her closely for a moment, as if trying to read her beyond her tone. After a few seconds he looked down, wetting his lips quickly before looking back up again. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard. Seven and I… let’s just say we’ve agreed that our paths would diverge from now on.”

“Really.” Was that hope – that sudden warmth she felt in her chest?

His eyes scrutinized her face again. “Yes.” He inhaled. “After our return, and the way everyone and everything was shuffled around, we both agreed that it would be for the best if we stopped seeing each other. In the end we realized our lives – our dreams – weren’t… compatible, now that we’re back.”

“I see.” Kathryn shook herself, consciously pushing that flame of hope to the back of her mind. “Well, I am sorry that it didn’t work out. But you’re going to be great at this job, Chakotay.”

“Thank you.” He paused, his eyes searching her face for a second, as if he meant to say more. In the end he stood to his feet. “Anyway, I should head out.”

Kathryn was surprised at how much she didn’t want him to go just yet. “Maybe we could meet up for dinner later? For old time’s sake? I’d love to catch up before you leave.”

He shook his head apologetically. “I’d love to, but we leave tomorrow, and I still have to brief my field team and make some preparations.”

She nodded in understanding, but she didn’t even try to hide her disappointment. “Of course. Be careful out there?”

His expression turned mischievous. “I promise not to do anything you wouldn’t do.”

She snorted in reply and he grinned. “I’ll send you a postcard,” he quipped with a wink.

“Better yet,” Kathryn countered, more softly, more intently, “bring me back a t-shirt.”

His expression shifted slightly, as if he understood what she was really telling him underneath the joking tone – that she desperately wanted him to come back. To her.

He nodded slowly, his gaze on her face. “I’ll deliver it myself,” he promised. He reached out to squeeze her hand briefly. “Take care, Kathryn.”

oooo

For four days now, Kathryn’s inside had been twisted into a constant, painful knot.

Chakotay was missing.

Worse, Cadet Martinez had told Kathryn how she had seen Chakotay being fired upon by the Valiq as the rest of them had fled. Based on her statement, Cadet Martinez suspected Chakotay had tried to lead their Valiq pursuers away from the shuttle to allow for the rest of the team to escape. Kathryn had mentally cursed Chakotay’s heroism and selflessness as she’d listened to Martinez tell the story, but it had sounded just like something he would do. Ever the selfless protector, willing to sacrifice himself for others. But deep down, she also knew that she probably would have done the same thing under the circumstances. And yet, she couldn’t help from wishing he’d been just a little bit more selfish this time.

Cadet Crawford had corroborated Martinez’s story, though he had been busy getting the shuttle ready to fly at the time Chakotay apparently made his decision to run in the wrong direction.

To their credit, the students had argued with Lieutenant Ayala about going back for Chakotay as soon as they had taken flight, but as their security officer (and superior), Ayala had been adamant: in case of trouble, his standing order, his priority, had been to bring the students to safety – something that Chakotay himself had told Ayala over and over again. Ayala told Kathryn that he fully intended to go back for Chakotay himself, but so far Captain Shermik had been reluctant to let him, at least not without a viable exit plan or intelligence about what a rescue team would be dealing with.

Had Chakotay been taken prisoner? Had he been killed? Was he in hiding? Was he hurt? No one knew. And worse, right now they had no way to tell, all because of that damned “blockade” that blinded most of their sensors.

When Kathryn had gotten Captain Shermik’s report about Chakotay’s situation, it had felt as though the world had dropped out from under her. The depth of her anxiety had surprised even her; after all, this wasn’t the first time that she’d been faced with this kind of situation. But this time had felt different – maybe because she’d felt helpless, thousands of lightyears away. Or maybe because she’d recently come to realize that _something_ had shifted in her feelings toward Chakotay. Whatever the reason, she was constantly fighting this visceral, breath-catching, stomach-gripping fear.

The thought that she might truly lose him this time, and her refusal to let that happen, had sent Kathryn on a quest to meet up with the Einstein herself. She’d managed to convince the other admirals that she should take Voyager: with the ship’s unique technology from the Delta Quadrant, and the combined brain power of B’Elanna, Seven, and the other engineers, surely they could figure out a way to find Chakotay without disrupting the Valiq’s way of life?

Although, with Chakotay’s life in the balance, she was hard-pressed to even care about the Valiq’s way of life at the moment. But as an admiral she was even under more pressure to uphold the prime directive and other Starfleet values. In a way, her hands were tied even tighter than they had been as a Starfleet captain in the Delta Quadrant.

Her reaction wasn’t quite the logical, cool-headed behavior the admirals had expected from her when they had promoted her, but, in her defense, they _had_ known what they’d gotten themselves into. In fact, Admirals Hayes and Paris hadn’t looked entirely surprised when Kathryn had told them she was taking Voyager to Valona. They all knew how far she would go for members of her crew, even if she wasn’t a captain anymore, and Chakotay hadn’t been her First Officer for several months now. Luckily they had also known not to stand in her way.

Well, they were here now, she told herself as she made her way to Astrometrics, and they were going to find him. Whatever it took. She had never given up on one of her own, and she wasn’t about to start now.

B’Elanna, Seven, Kim and three of the Einstein’s crew were in the middle of a briefing with Ayala when Kathryn stepped into Astrometrics. They had put up a detailed photograph of Valona on the screen. Kathryn recognized it immediately from the reports. Because most of their sensors were blocked, however, the image was two-dimensional and contained little information about the topography and geological make-up of the planet. It was, simply put, a basic satellite image

“We’d made camp here, inside a cave – about two kilometers from this small agglomeration,” Ayala was explaining as he zoomed in on a particular area. “However, if Mr. Chakotay was taken prisoner-”

He faltered briefly when he noticed that Kathryn had walked in, but she encouraged him to keep going with a nod.

“If he was taken prisoner, as we suspect, it is likely that he would have been taken to Laivon – a nearby mid-sized city of about 500,000 people. This is where we had been working for the last several weeks. We had been posing as the Valiq equivalent of reporters in order to get free access to information about the Valiquan government structure, their military, economical and judiciary systems, well, pretty much anything, really… It seemed to work – we had done our homework, so we were able to blend in fairly easily, especially with the temporary dermal surgery to make us look like them.”

“What happened?” Lieutenant Kim asked, concerned.

“It was my fault,” a male voice chimed in from the door. Cadets Crawford and Martinez stepped in and stood to attention.

“Permission to join the meeting?” Martinez asked formally, her expression determined.

“Come on in, Cadets,” Kathryn replied. The two of them still looked a little shaken, but calm, and Kathryn recognized what Chakotay had seen in them – why he had selected them for this mission. They might look terribly young, but Kathryn knew from talking to them earlier that they were smart and resourceful, though each had a very different temperament. Joanna Martinez was extroverted and blunt, a language and politics specialist, while Ian Crawford was quieter and more serious, but kind and deeply empathetic. In fact, his file mentioned that he had some Betazoid ancestry. According his file, his strengths included economics and technology.

“It was my fault that the mission failed,” Crawford said again as they walked further into the room. “I asked too many questions too quickly. They became suspicious of me.”

“You couldn’t have known this would happen,” Martinez told him quietly.

“She’s right,” Kathryn jumped in. “But I asked you here precisely because of what you had been asking about: the surveillance system. We need to figure out a way to penetrate it, and your insights might be useful.”

Ian nodded. “Right. Well I did manage to get some information about their Orbital Population Protection Program, as they call it, before things went downhill. It took me a while to input my notes about the design into the computer, but,” he looked at Seven. “you should be able to bring it up on the screen now.”

Everyone in the room turned their attention to the new data and model that Crawford had put together. There were drawings of the individual arrays, notes on their size and power sources, and hypotheses about how they were linked together. It was remarkably well-put together for a cadet, but…

“This data is incomplete,” Seven stated.

Crawford cleared his throat. “Y-yes ma’am. I’m aware. Like I said, it was my asking about this that got us busted, so I was never able to get complete blueprints, let alone a clear answer as to why this system was created in the first place. Most people were remarkably tight-lipped about it. Mr. Chakotay repeatedly told me to use caution, but…”

“That’s okay, Cadet,” B’Elanna chimed in distractedly, her eyes riveted to the screen, her brow furrowed in concentration, “this will be helpful. In fact…” She trailed off as she walked closer to the screen, her arms crossed over her chest.

“What?” Kathryn asked curiously – she knew that look, and hope flared in her chest at the sight.

“What do you see B’Elanna?” Kim asked as he straightened, hope brightening his face.

B’Elanna’s lips quirked up slightly as she turned to look at Kathryn. “A possible loophole. Here,” she added, pointing to Crawford’s notes about the power sources behind the arrays.

“Of course,” Seven agreed as she also walked closer, her eyes on the data. Kathryn could almost see the synopses in her brain as she calculated, computed, assessed and evaluated the information.

“I can’t promise anything at this point,” B’Elanna went on, “since this data _is_ incomplete, but…there might be a way to disrupt the signal just long enough to get some scans, or even transport someone out. It’s just hypothetical at the moment, we’ll have to study this in more detail and run simulations. Can you help us?” She asked Crawford.

“I was hoping you’d ask. Whatever I can do.”

Kathryn touched B’Elanna’s arm. “Get working on it. Let’s bring Chakotay home, people.”

ooooOoooo


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Chakotay reached the outskirt of the small town the tricorder had scanned, it was almost daytime again. The night sky was turning a lighter shade of purple and while real stars slowly faded, tiny star-like twinkles remained in the sky, all evenly spaced – the Orbital Population Protection Program. Chakotay remembered now that Ian Crawford had been investigating this before they had had to flee. Clearly, the Valiq had not liked having anyone prodding this.

The silver lining in this realization was that his short-term memory was coming back.

The bad news was that his overall physical condition was getting worse.

It had taken Chakotay much longer to get here than he had anticipated. The sheer effort of walking with his injuries had slowed him down considerably, despite being pumped with painkillers. He had tripped countless times as he’d trudged through the woods, wheezing, eyes fixed on the tricorder in his hand while the rest of his senses had remained on alert for fear of being spotted. His hands and his ears were numb with cold, but the rest of him burnt from a mix of fever and physical exertion. Imaginary-Kathryn had come and gone through the entire journey, but every time she appeared at his side, or ahead of him, her presence comforted him to the point where he had to consciously resist the urge to speak to her.

_She’s not real._

He repeated this to himself once more when she crouched down next to him, her eyes narrowed in the direction of the slowly awakening town in the distance, as if squinting would allow her to see better in the grey semi-darkness of predawn hours.

“What’s the plan?” She asked quietly, but in her captain voice, the one that was filled with stern determination.

“I don’t know yet,” Chakotay admitted breathlessly as he carefully let himself down to the ground. “I need a moment.” He closed his eyes as he focused on catching his breath. Her cool hand came to touch his forehead, as if assessing his fever. He shivered at the touch. “You feel so real,” he croaked, for a moment basking in the comforting feel of her hand, even though he knew it was just wishful thinking. That it wasn’t really her hand touching him, but his mind playing tricks on him. “How can you feel so real?”

Her hand retreated and Chakotay opened his eyes.

She was giving him an arch smile. “I suppose you’ve either hit your head harder than you thought, or the Valiq gave you some rather potent hallucinogenic,” she drawled sarcastically.

Chakotay gazed at her curiously. “Or maybe you’re some sort of manifestation of my spirit guide…” He let out a wry smile. “Or the crazy gene is making a comeback.”

She gave a lopsided smile. “All perfectly reasonable hypotheses. But you won’t find out unless you get out of here.”

“Right.” He shook himself, straightening, and fished his water from his bag.

Her expression turned curious as she gazed at him. “Do you wish I were real?”

“Yes. No.” He shook his head after taking a small sip of water. “I admit part of me does wish you were here. There are so many things I wish I’d told you… Things I should have explained… But, if you were really here you’d be in danger because of me, and that’s not something I’ve ever been comfortable with.” He took another careful sip of water before replacing the bottle in his bag. He gave himself another shot of painkillers. He knew he was taking them more and more frequently now. He had no idea how long he would be able to go on like this before his body just… shut down.

“What would you tell me, if I were really here now?”

Chakotay met her eyes, considering, before he realized what he was doing and shook himself. “You aren’t really here, so what’s the point?”

“I think we need to define some parameters. About us.”

Chakotay blinked. His mind suddenly flooded with the memory of Kathryn’s serious expression as she had sat across from him, her long hair flowing over her shoulders. He blinked again and the image blurred at the edges and merged with imaginary-Kathryn. “Yes, you’ve told me that before.” He shifted so he had a better view on the town and pulled out his binoculars. They had been handy in the first couple of weeks, when the team had observed the Valiq from afar. “I’ve never believed much in parameters,” he said quietly.

“But I do.”

Chakotay glanced at her. “I think _a part_ of you does.” He looked through the binoculars, trying to make sense of the various buildings he could see. Many had signs he could read, but he saw nothing that might help him contact the Einstein.

“And which part might that be?” She asked, as if testing him.

Chakotay gave a small shrug. “The part that recognized there was a connection, an attraction, between us. And got scared it would come in the way of you being a good Starfleet officer. Wait, I know that man.” A younger Valiquan man was just exiting one of the structures and started walking.

“Fiam,” Kathryn whispered. “You work together. He’s been a friend to you so far.”

“Right.” It was coming back to him now. Chakotay had befriended the young reporter, pretending to come from one of the towns just far enough from Laivon for Fiam not to know much about it, but with a believable-enough resumé to be trusted as a truth-spreader – the direct translation of the Valiquan term for this profession. The young Valiq had been kind and helpful, and they had developed a good rapport. And he was a good source of information. He was probably going to work at this hour.

“You think he might be able to help you?” Kathryn asked. “Can you trust him?”

“I don’t know. But his home might have what I need to signal the Einstein. I’m going to check it out while he’s out.”

Chakotay waited for another few seconds to make sure that Fiam wasn’t coming back before getting to his feet. Just standing up left him dizzy and wheezing, and he fought the urge to cough. This was not good. He straightened his tunic and walked out of the woods and around the main structures. There were very few people out at this hour, but Chakotay could tell the town was slowly awakening, so he put in as much purpose into his step as possible. But anyone who paid minimal attention to him would notice him standing out, with his limp, bloody face, and overall gaunt appearance.

He reached what he assumed to be Fiam’s house without trouble, so he walked around back to find a more secluded doorway. Luckily, much like most human buildings, this house had a backdoor and Chakotay snuck up to it carefully, looking around. No one was around. He tried the handle and to his surprise found that the door was unlocked. His tricorder didn’t read any life signs inside. Chakotay pushed the door slowly, listening for any kind of alarm or security system, but nothing happened, so he pushed in and snuck in completely. The interior was still dark, but Chakotay could see well enough.

This was indeed a home – there was simplistic furniture occupying the space, and Chakotay walked around softly, careful not to disturb anything. If he wanted to contact Starfleet, he would need some specific items. Using his tricorder as a guide, he quietly but efficiently wandered around, gathering supplies as he found them. There was one device in particular that might be useful – it was the Valiq equivalent of a 21st-century internet modem. Feeling slightly guilty for depriving Fiam of this device, Chakotay removed it from its spot and placed it in his bag.

“We’ll replicate him a new one once we get to the Einstein,” Kathryn said from behind him, stretching her neck to look over his shoulder. He realized that he had been so focused on his task that his mind had not conjured her since he’d left the woods. A part of him was relieved to have her back, while another worried that having her return like this was not a good sign. If he had been drugged, the hallucinogenic effect should have passed by now.

He was distracted from his thoughts by the sound of roaring engines coming from outside. He’d heard it before, it was the sound of the Valiquan law enforcement vehicles – a police force the locals referred to as the Watchforce.

“Oh that can’t be good,” Kathryn drawled.

Chakotay didn’t waste any second before jumping into motion. He scurried out of the house the way he’d come, running in a ducked position until he was back hidden behind the edge of the woods. Looking over his shoulders, he was relieved to see that they hadn’t detected him – yet. He struggled to keep in another coughing fit as he watched the Watchforce get out of their vehicles and investigate Fiam’s house, energy weapons drawn out. The one in charge, a tall woman, looked familiar. Under her barked orders, some of the officers started to expand their search from the house, three of them now walking toward the woods. Damn it.

“How did they know you were there?” Kathryn asked.

Chakotay shook his head. “I must have triggered a security system,” he gasped against the fire in his lungs. He should have put two and two together – Joanna had noticed that a decrease in serious crime in Valiquan society had coincided with the construction of the Orbital Population Protection Program, a couple of decades before. Nobody had mentioned explicitly what it did, and everyone had assumed it was to keep an eye out on space. But this seemed to support their theory that it also served as a law enforcement regulator. People who are always watched by the authorities, or who suspect they might be watched, tended to regulate their own behaviors.

A society-scale panopticon.

On Earth, 18th-century English philosopher Jeremy Bentham had designed a system of control for prisons and institutional buildings using a similar principle – cells were placed in a circle around a central observation or guard tower, so the inmates could never know if or when they were being watched. This was meant to help reform the prisoners by forcing them to regulate their own behaviors.

That the Valiq were using the system to monitor the surface was bad news for him – it meant that they now had evidence of him entering Fiam’s house, and probably running here too. Damn it. He shouldn’t linger here, he-

“I assume they are looking for you?” A male voice speaking Valiquan startled him from behind.

Chakotay whirled around, reaching for his phaser as he turned, only to find Fiam standing next to him. The young man didn’t seem surprised, or afraid – as if it wasn’t the first time the Watchforce had searched his house. “How did you…?”

Fiam tapped the bracelet-type device he wore at his wrist distractedly. He must have been alerted at the same time as the Watchforce, then.

His calm behavior threw Chakotay for a moment and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. In the end he decided to go with the truth – a concept that seemed very important to Fiam. Without his combadge he didn’t have his universal translator, but he had picked up some basic conversational Valiquan over the last several weeks. “They’ve been after me for days now.”

Fiam nodded somberly. “I assumed as much, when you did not return to work. I have known many truth-spreaders who were taken by the Imperium for questioning. Most of us learn to walk the line between appropriate truth-spreading and truth-seeking, eventually. Even when questioned, most of us are usually allowed to return to work, however.”

“What happens to those who aren’t?"

Fiam’s grim look was answer enough. “What happened to you?” He asked, frowning, when he noticed the shape Chakotay was in – he must look a fright: feverish, dirty, bloody and unshaven…

The question prompted Chakotay’s mind to flash with a memory of an energy cell, and that severe-looking Watchforce woman standing in front of him.

_“I am Lieutenant Selinae of the Valiquan Imperium Watchforce. Tell me, who are you?”_

_“Everyone calls me Kal,” Chakotay had replied. The energy blast that had wounded him had been mostly healed, but it still hurt like hell._

_“Are you a Nordian spy, Mr. Kal?”_

_“No,”_ _Chakotay had replied truthfully. Nordia, he knew, was the neighboring nation._

_“But you’re not Valiq,” the woman countered. “You are not fluent in our language. And your credentials show that you do not seem to even exist prior to a few months ago. We found this on you,” she continued as she showed him his combadge “I ask again. Who are you? Who are you spying for?”_

_Chakotay fought the panic rising in his chest. He licked his lips nervously as he scrambled for the best way to tell the truth without revealing too much. “You’re right. I’m not from here, I’m a traveler. I’ve come here to learn more about your customs. But I intended no harm. I merely wanted to understand. Truth-spread,” he’d added as he remembered the turn of phrase Fiam and other Valiq had used._

The memory vanished as quickly as it had come and Chakotay returned his attention to Fiam as they both crouched at the edge of the woods. “You were right – they did get to me, but I escaped. I think – I actually can’t remember how.”

Fiam nodded. “Why did you come here?” He asked, pointing to his house.

Chakotay licked his lips – they were parched. “I’m sorry I intruded, but I went there to find communication devices, to ask for help. I took these from your house. I intend to return them to you,” Chakotay revealed as he opened his bag to show Fiam the wires, devices, capacitors and other pieces he’d taken.

Fiam glanced at the contents of the bag, then up at Chakotay’s face, his brows furrowed in confusion. “You could have simply asked, Kal. No matter. You cannot stay here, they will find you. Come,” he gestured for Chakotay to follow him as he quickly led him deeper into the woods and away from the shouts of the Watchforce officers.

“Why are you helping me?” Chakotay rasped as they moved, fighting the urge to double over at the pain in his side at the unforgiving pace Fiam was setting.

“This may sound strange, but I have an ability to sense people’s characters. And I sense that you are trustworthy, despite the many secrets you carry.”

Chakotay nodded. “Where I come from we call that _intuition_ ,” he said, using the English word.

“In-tui-tion.” Fiam repeated slowly. He paused. “And where are you from, exactly? I’m guessing not from these parts. Your face… it looks different than before.” He pointed to Chakotay’s forehead, and Chakotay suddenly realized that his dermal alterations to make him look like the Valiq must have started to revert back to his human face. He hesitated.

“You should tell him the truth,” imaginary-Kathryn suddenly reappeared at his other side. “He hasn’t turned you in yet. That’s a good sign. And he seems to understand what’s going on here, why the Watchforce is after you.”

Chakotay fought the urge to reply to her, instead focusing his attention on Fiam. He hesitated for a moment, before deciding to take a chance. “Would you believe me if I told you I’m a traveler from another planet?”

Fiam threw him another glance. “I would if you told me the truth. Is it?”

Chakotay inhaled carefully. “It is. My real name is Chakotay. My people are from a planet called Earth.”

“Ah. I see. That is interesting.”

“You don’t seem surprised.”

He shrugged. “I have known for some time that we are not alone in the universe. It is a well-guarded truth of the Imperium. One that I am wise enough not to spread.”

That bit of information surprised Chakotay, but before he could ask, Fiam went on.

“Your young ones as well?”

He was referring to Crawford, Martinez and Ayala – his students. “Yes. We came to learn more about you.”

“I see.” Fiam fell silent as they kept walking. “Of course, it makes sense now – why you were asking questions that you should have known not to ask.”

“You’re still willing to help me even though I deceived you,” Chakotay rasped, impressed. “Why?”

“Let’s just say that I am hoping my… intuition, also extends to star travelers. Not all Valiq are threatened by strangers. And even if you are not from here, you are still a truth-seeker, like me.”

Chakotay smiled gratefully. “Where are we going?” He asked, suddenly realizing that he didn’t know which direction they were heading. What he really wanted to know though was: _how far?_ His body had started shaking again from the fever, and he went through his bag to inject himself with another dose of painkillers even as he kept walking. His heart sank when he realized he only had one dose left.

“You need medical attention,” Fiam stated as he watched Chakotay use the hypospray curiously. “I’m taking you to someone who can help.”

Chakotay tripped on a root, but was able to stay standing, barely. The movement increased the pounding in his head. “No. I can’t risk getting caught again. I need to contact my people first.”

“You are not well. What good is contacting your people if you die before they help you?”

He had a point, but… “I have to take the chance. I can’t risk anyone else learning who I really am. But,” he added as he noticed Fiam’s concerned expression, “if you could get some medical supplies, I would be grateful.”

Fiam seemed to hesitate, but then nodded. “Agreed. I will be back soon. There is a place, surrounded by boulders, further in that direction. It might provide protection until I return.” Once Chakotay nodded his assent, Fiam started jogging.

“Do you trust him?” Kathryn reappeared next to Chakotay, both their gazes on Fiam’s retreating form.

“I don’t know. I think so, but, I’m talking to someone who isn’t really here right now, so…”

“Good point.”

“I need to find that place he told me about and get to work. If I can work fast enough, I’ll be able to contact the Einstein before trusting Fiam even becomes an issue.”

“You mean, if he’s real in the first place?”

This gave him pause. Had he hallucinated Fiam as well? He was pretty sure he was real, and yet…Chakotay had no way of knowing anymore. Maybe this was all some sort of nightmare and he’d wake up back on Earth…. No. Kathryn may not be real, but everything else – the pain, the exhaustion – he couldn’t have imagined. In the end he shook himself. “It doesn’t matter either way. All that matters is contacting the Einstein to let them know I’m still alive.”

_Barely_ , he thought grimly. His legs felt like lead and his hands were icy cold.

It didn’t take very long before he reached the spot Fiam – or whoever he was – had described and Chakotay settled down with his back against one of the largest moss-covered stones. He opened his bag and started pulling out the equipment he’d gotten from Fiam’s place. Using a knife, he nicked his tricorder to open the casing as carefully as he could with shaking fingers and blurry vision.

Kathryn peered over at his handywork. “Interesting idea. Better hope it works.”

“Something I’ve seen B’Elanna do once. Hopefully I can replicate the procedure faithfully, this isn’t really my cup of tea,” he said as he grabbed the wires and connected them to the tricorder capacitors.

“I bet you wish you had hallucinated B’Elanna instead, huh?”

He managed a small smile. Chakotay’s cold fingers fumbled with the small wires as he tried to focus on his task. “As much as I love B’Elanna, and I love her like a sister… Yours in the only voice I want to hear in my head.”

oooOooo


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn turned off her computer screen and massaged her stiff neck muscles as she stood to her feet. She had just updated the admiralty on the latest developments, and they had seemed satisfied with the potential of B’Elanna’s plan of matching the forcefield frequencies to interrupt the blockade signal. The objective was to disrupt the system long enough to scan the planet, but not long enough to raise suspicion. In truth the admirals hadn’t actually asked for the update, but Kathryn had needed _something_ to do. She was going stir crazy, just waiting while the two crews worked toward a solution.

She needed coffee, she decided with a sigh. And an update.

She made her way to the mess hall first and got herself some caffeine before resuming her trek to engineering.

“Admiral!” B’Elanna greeted when she spotted her. Seven, Harry and the Einstein officers were standing at various consoles, while the cadets sat together at a different one, both of them engrossed in whatever they were doing.

“I was just about to call you,” B’Elanna told her, “we’re ready to try interrupting the forcefield. But there’s something you have to know first: we’ve noticed that the forcefield’s frequencies are constantly changing. And we’re only able to interrupt one frequency at a time. So we’ll only be able to interrupt the forcefield for a short window – the time it takes for the system to change its frequency .”

Kathryn nodded. “How long will the window last?”

B’Elanna shrugged. “A couple of seconds, 3 or 4 at the most. The good news is, the frequency vacillations are cyclical – we’ll be able to do it again every 38 minutes or so.”

Kathryn nodded. “Understood.”

B’Elanna turned to Harry and the two Einstein engineers. “Ready to interrupt forcefield. On my mark, start the scans.”

Harry and the others nodded. “Three, two, one…Mark.” The team focused on their respective tasks, pressing buttons on their consoles, while monitoring the screen. Kathryn held her breath.

One. Tw-

And then there was a beeping sound.

“Our scans were successful for 2.3 seconds,” Seven stated.

“We’ve got something!” Harry exclaimed after a moment. He grinned. “We’ve got something matching a Federation signal. And a location. It’s gotta be him!”

Kathryn felt that sliver of hope burn hot in her chest.

B’Elanna nodded, her excitement bubbling to the surface. “Next window, we focus on those coordinates and transport him directly to Voyager.”

“We need to get in range, first,” Harry added with a look toward Kathryn, silently telling her this part was up to her. The ships were orbiting the neighboring planet, so in order to use the transport, they’d have to leave the orbit and get much closer.

Kathryn nodded eagerly. “38 minutes, right?”

B’Elanna nodded.

Kathryn nodded as she hit her combadge, excited to finally be able to do something.

ooOoo

After conferring with Tuvok and Captain Shermik, it was decided that they would be using Voyager’s transporters to bring Chakotay home, which meant the ship had to get closer to the planet until they were in range. But in order to avoid detection, the Einstein would create interference by releasing plasma charges. The hope was that the interference thus created would be enough to fool the surveillance system and hide Voyager’s presence in high orbit. The subterfuge would only last for a few minutes, so if this didn’t succeed, they’d have to retreat back to the neighboring planet.

Kathryn stood on the bridge of Voyager, her hands on her hips, pacing anxiously.

“Ready when you are,” Captain Shermik told them, the bridge of the Einstein visible on Voyager’s screen.

Kathryn hit her combadge. “B’Elanna, we’re waiting for your signal,” she said as she walked closer to touch Tom’s shoulder. He nodded – he was ready.

There was a silent pause for several seconds. Kathryn quelled her impatience.

“Torres to the bridge, we are ready to proceed.”

Kathryn nodded to Shermik on the screen and touched Tom’s shoulder again. “Let’s go.”

The two ships started moving out of the shadows, and Shermik had the plasma charges released.

“Shields at maximum,” Tuvok ordered from where he sat in the captain’s chair.

After what felt like an eternity of Voyager slowly approaching the planet, Harry nodded to Kathryn. They were within transporter range.

A few seconds later. B’Elanna spoke again. “Interrupting the forcefield in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Now.”

Everyone went quiet for what felt like eternity.

Kathryn’s heart was racing and she rubbed her forehead anxiously as she waited. “Transporter room, do you have him?” She asked, her breath caught in her throat while she awaited the response.

It came two seconds later.

“Negative, Admiral.”

Kathryn blew out a breath as she exchanged a look with Tuvok, and then Seven, who stood behind him.

“But we do have Mr. Chakotay’s combadge,” the disembodied voice went on. “He must not have been wearing it.”

Kathryn took a second to swallow against the way her throat had suddenly closed up. “Alright, let’s retreat for now,” Kathryn ordered, trying not to sound deflated. She blinked when she felt a stinging behind her eyelids.

_Where are you, Chakotay?_

“I’ll be in Engineering,” she told the room before she made her way across the bridge.

Once alone in the turbolift she pinched the bridge of her nose and cleared her throat. She had to get a grip and look at the situation from a logical point of view. She couldn’t despair, not now when they were finally making progress. There was some relief in the fact that only his combadge returned – it meant that there was a chance he had survived the attack Martinez had witnessed. If he’d been killed, his body would have been transported too. She made a conscious effort not to let her mind wander or consider all of the remaining horrible possibilities that might still explain why only his combadge had made it.

When she stepped into Engineering, B’Elanna and the Einstein engineers were quietly going over the data, looking discouraged. They looked up when Kathryn walked in.

“Admiral,” B’Elanna straightened. She started shaking her head apologetically, but Kathryn stopped her from apologizing with a raised hand.

“We’re not giving up,” she told the team sternly. “We’ll use the next window to scan for human lifesigns.”

“That’s going to take a while,” B’Elanna replied. “Remember, we can only interrupt the forcefield for a few seconds at a time.”

Kathryn nodded. She had considered this too. “I know. But we’re going to find him, even if I have to go down there and track him myself.”

The officers nodded, newfound resolve reflected in their expression.

Someone cleared their throat quietly. They all turned to cadets Martinez and Crawford, who were still sitting at a console nearby. “Actually, Ian has another idea,” Martinez said, earning a reproachful look from her classmate. “Just tell them,” she urged him.

“What is it?” B’Elanna asked as she looked at them curiously.

Ian cleared his throat again. “I’ve been studying my notes on the Orbital Population Protection Program. We-we know from the name that this system is designed to protect the inhabitants – but it’s not entirely clear what exactly they need protection from.” Crawford licked his lips, getting more animated the more he spoke. He stood to his feet. “With Professor Chakotay, we hypothesized that the system allowed the Valiq to scan outer space – as you know they have space exploration vessels.”

Right. Hence the two ships having to hide.

Joanna jumped in. “But we also suspected the Imperium to use the system to monitor their own citizens – as a way of deterring criminal activity. It would also explain why the Valiquan government doesn’t want their citizens to question anything about the OPPP.”

“Go on,” Kathryn said, intrigued, when they paused.

“If-if that’s the case,” Ian continued, “then the system will be constantly scanning the planet’s surface – monitoring.”

“He wants to hack the OPPP, Ma’am,” Martinez told them excitedly, as if Crawford wasn’t telling the story fast enough for her taste.

Silence fell as they all processed this.

Kathryn swiveled to look at B’Elanna and Harry eagerly. “Is that feasible? Can we use their own system to track him?”

B’Elanna bit her cheek in consideration, then nodded slowly, her mind working, her eyes brightening. “I think so. This is going to take some work, it’s not something I do everyday-”

Crawford cleared his throat softly again. They turned to him. “Sorry. It’s just, I happen to be quite familiar with old computer and telecom technologies. I believe I could do it. In fact, Martinez and I have already figured out how,” he said quietly as he handed Harry a PADD.

The three of them gawked at the cadets for a long second before Martinez’s excited chuckle broke the spell and she nudged her classmate in the ribs with her elbow. The ghost of a smile touched Ian’s mouth.

Harry handed Kathryn the PADD, and after going over the contents quickly, she passed it along to B’Elanna. She looked back at Crawford. “Then I suggest you get cracking, Cadet,” she told him.

His shy smile brightened.

oooOooo

Chakotay lost track of time as he tried to focus on his task of creating a communication device that would send a signal innocuous enough to go through the OPPP, but meaningful enough that any Starfleet vessel would recognize it as a mayday. Doing that kind of stuff was not his forte on a good day, and he was definitely not in his top shape. Earlier he’d felt energized by the thought that he could actually do this, but his thoughts were growing grimmer as the minutes turned into hours. Now he felt the tug of despair in his chest, constricting his throat and stinging his eyes with unspilled tears of frustration. Was he going to just die here, then? Without getting to enjoy the second chance he thought had been granted to him? Without telling Kathryn all the secrets that made his heart heavy?

A part of him wanted to give up. Just surrender. Allow the Valiq to find him and do whatever they saw fit with him.

He was growing weaker, and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe and concentrate. At some point he’d gone through such a painful coughing fit he thought he would just die, there and then. Obviously he had pulled through, but the fit had left him exhausted, aching, and his chest feeling like it was on fire. To make things worse, he was now out of painkillers, which meant that his side and his head and his knee – well, every part of his damn body – were now throbbing painfully. His fever had returned; one minute he was shivering to the point of making his teeth clatter, the next he was drenched in cold sweats and stars swam in front of his eyes.

“I know it looks bad,” Kathryn said from where she stood, leaning her elbow against the boulder. “But look at the bright side.”

Chakotay almost laughed derisively. Well, the only silver lining was that with daylight came a little warmth from the system’s sun. Chakotay had used his phaser again to heat a few rocks to radiate some heat. Short of building an actual fire, which would create smoke, this was the only way he could think of to produce some heat. He’d also tried eating and drinking a little, but his stomach had revolted.

He now rubbed his hands together near the heated rocks to warm his fingers before returning to his task. He was done building the communication device he’d envisioned, but it hadn’t worked the last two times he’d turned it on. He had one last thing to try, though, so he leaned back against the boulder and opened up the device again to rearrange the connections. His fingers fumbled a little with the wires, but… there. He closed the device again, and turned it on.

This time it started humming softly and Chakotay leaned his head back against the boulder in relief, uncaring that tears wetted his cheeks when he closed his eyes.

“Your Maquis file doesn’t do you justice!” That joking tone. Kathryn was suddenly sitting next to him, looking at him teasingly. She patted his knee. “Now we only have to hope the Einstein is listening.”

Chakotay couldn’t stop himself, he took her hand.

_She’s not real._

_But what if she is?_

“If they don’t,” Chakotay rasped, his breathing ragged, “well… my only hope is that Fiam was actually here. Because honestly, Kathryn, I’m not doing so great. I don’t know how long…”

She interrupted him with a raised hand. “We’ve had our disagreements. And there have been times when I have chosen to proceed without your support. But this can’t be one of those times. I won’t do this without my First Officer.”

Chakotay blinked at the sudden memory – both of them standing in her ready room – as they’d gotten ready to ally with the Borg from Unimatrix 0. He blinked again and the memory vanished. “I wish it were so simple as doing as you ask. All I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy, Kathryn.”

He closed his eyes again, and he was just about dosing off when _something_ alerted his senses and brought him back to consciousness. He strained his ears, trying to pick up sounds beyond the loud thudding of his heartbeat resonating in his head.

There it was again: voices. Shouts. In the distance.

“What now?” Kathryn asked exasperatedly as Chakotay straightened. 

He could now pick up several voices slowly getting closer and closer to his position.

_Of course_ the Valiq were closing in. He fought the sudden urge to laugh at his stroke of bad luck. He was so tired, he didn’t think he had the strength to run anymore. He willed the Einstein to get his signal and-

And what? What the hell had he been hoping for?

There was no way the Einstein could transport him through the OPPP. And there was no way he could outrun those Watchforce officers, not in his condition.

Well, he could stay here and let himself get captured. He assumed they wouldn’t shoot him if he surrendered peacefully. And hopefully Starfleet would get his signal and find a way to help him. Eventually.

Or…

“Chakotay.” Kathryn, her tone serious, insistent. Chakotay had no other choice than to meet her eyes. “You have to _run_.”

“I don’t think I can…”

“Chakotay, listen to me. You can do this. You just have to hold on for a little while longer.”

“What about you? I won’t leave you here, Kathryn-”

She shook her head, taking hold of his face to make his eyes meet hers. “I promise if you escape right now, I will be there to greet you at the other end. Three years ago I didn’t even know your name. Now I can’t imagine a day without you.”

Chakotay felt tears sting his eyes and blur his vision again. “How I wish that were still true.”

She smiled softly. “It might still be, but you won’t find out unless you _go_ , now. Here’s your chance.” She let go of his face and started backing away. Chakotay stood and reached out for her but she was already too far. “I’ll hold them off,” she told him as she pulled out her phaser, “distract them. Now _go_!”

“Don’t!” He cried after her as she backed away, her phaser at the ready. “I can’t-”

She grinned at him, a bright, beautiful smile.

Chakotay blinked against the sting of tears and when he opened his eyes again, Kathryn was gone. Choking on his breath, Chakotay grabbed his communication device and started moving in the opposite direction, going as fast as he could. Eyes blurry, he tripped and trudged forward, paying no attention to the way branches scratched his face and his hands, or how sounds halfway between sobs and coughs escaped him as he toiled. In the distance he thought he heard the sound of phaser fire and replying energy weapons.

_Kathryn._

Chakotay lost track of time as he forced himself to keep going, just one more step. And one more. Breath in. Breath out. The shouts were getting closer now, and Chakotay was vaguely aware that he was crying, making his breathing even more ragged. Kathryn had sacrificed herself for him, she-

Suddenly there was an arm sneaking around his back and someone sliding next to him, falling in step with him. Chakotay startled as Fiam’s profile appeared next to his face. He had Chakotay’s arm around his own neck, effectively holding him upright. “You’re real?” Chakotay croaked in confusion, blinking uselessly.

Fiam gave him a puzzled look. “Sorry friend, I came back as quickly as I could.”

oooOooo

Kathryn had rarely felt so powerless in her entire life. And she hated it. All she could do was wait. B’Elanna was restless too, so the two of them had converged to the mess hall for some food and coffee. Though, by the way both of them were just moving their food around their plate with their fork, neither of them had much appetite.

“I wish I understood what Crawford is trying to do,” B’Elanna complained eventually. “At least then I could do _something_. Help, or something.”

Kathryn knew the feeling. She nodded before taking a sip of coffee. And grimaced. It had gone cold.

“Admiral Janeway and Lieutenant Torres,” Seven’s voice came through the comm system, “your presence is required in Engineering.”

Kathryn exchanged one look with B’Elanna before both of them jumped from their chairs and bolted for the door.

When they reached Engineering, Crawford was pacing anxiously, while Seven and Harry were busy at the consoles. “What have you got?” Kathryn asked as soon as she was within range.

“Cadet Crawford has successfully hacked into the Orbital Population Protection Program,” Seven stated. “His work is impressive.”

“It sure is,” Harry chimed in with a smile directed at Ian. “And we got lucky,” he added, more excitedly. He pressed a few buttons on the control panel until a video feed appeared on one of the monitors. “This was recorded a few hours ago, at the town Lieutenant Ayala highlighted as being close to where the team’s shuttle had originally landed. Take a look at this.”

The video showed a view of the town from above. Suddenly a sole figure appeared in the corner of the feed. _Chakotay_. He was coming out of the woods, and sneaking around one of the structures. He entered the building.

Kathryn could barely breathe. He was alive, or at least, he had been a few hours ago. The resolution on the image was not high enough to tell if Chakotay was injured, but by the way he was favoring one side over the other, it looked as though he might have suffered some injuries.

“How did you find him?” Kathryn asked, astonished.

“Wait for it,” Harry said, his eyes still glued on the video feed. Almost as soon as Chakotay had entered the building, the feed started to flash with red lights and writing. “Crawford and Martinez think that all houses are linked to this security system somehow. So when Chakotay entered…”

“He triggered the alert.”

“Right.”

“That’s how we found him – by specifically looking for recent alerts,” Ian jumped in.

Kathryn held her breath as the next images showed Chakotay rush out of the house, a bag slung over his shoulder, and struggling to run back to the woods. 

“After that the tree cover is too dense for us to see where-”

“Hold on,” Martinez chimed in from where she was still sitting, monitoring the data from the OPPP. “The program is picking up a strange signal coming from the surface…”

“What is it?” B’Elanna asked as she bridged the distance to look over the data.

Martinez was shaking her head in puzzlement. “I don’t…”

“Wait, I know what this is!” B’Elanna grinned. “They’re high-frequency radio waves. The signal keeps repeating itself.”

“What does it say?” Martinez asked curiously, her eyes wide.

B’Elanna’s grin widened as she met Kathryn’s eyes. “SOS.”

Kathryn’s heart sped up inside her ribcage. “Can you pinpoint the location?”

“Even better,” Crawford jumped in, snapping his fingers, “we can track it in real time using the OPPP.” He sat back down, his fingers flying over the console with practiced ease. The video feed on the monitor changed and suddenly they were looking at a blinking point in the middle of a forest.

“Seven, when is our next window?” Kathryn asked, blood pumping in her ears.

“6 minutes.”

“Then we better get going. I’ll be damned if I let him slip through our fingers again!”

oooOooo

Chakotay’s feet barely lifted off the ground anymore. The only thing keeping him upright was Fiam, as the young man dragged Chakotay forward. He was of a more slender build than Chakotay, but somehow, was able to keep going.

And talking – as if trying to keep Chakotay awake and conscious.

“…Selinae said that she would stall the Nunyab ilki alarik.”

Chakotay blinked as the words blended in a mix of English and Valiquan in his brain. Clearly he was too exhausted to translate. But something of that sentence made him open his eyes. _Selinae_ , that name sounded familiar. The Watchforce officer.

Suddenly he was back in that energy cell, and the stern Valiq woman – Selinae – stood in front of him, her expression somber. _She turned to the two Watchforce officers standing by the door. “Leave us.”_

_The officers obeyed and Chakotay glared up at Selinae evenly, wondering what her next move would be, and bracing himself for some kind of torture to get him to talk._

_But her expression softened suddenly, as if she’d removed the stern mask of the officer, and she anxiously glanced over her shoulder. She stepped up to him and released the restraints that tied him down to the chair. “You must go now. I cannot help you beyond giving you a fighting chance,” she said quietly, urgently, her eyes wide. Her fear made her look much younger._

_Chakotay hesitated. Was this a trick? Was she playing with him? “I don’t understand.”_

_She went to the door and looked out, as if clearing the way for him. “I know what you are. And if you stay, I will have to tell the Imperium, and I cannot vouch for what will happen to you once they know. If you want to go, go now!”_

_Chakotay was confused by this turn of events, and he had a lot of questions, but she wouldn’t need to twist his arm. He jumped to his feet, rubbing his wrists where the restraints had cut into his skin. “Thank you.”_

_“I am sorry it came to this. I dream of the day my people will see what the universe has to offer, and embrace it.”_

_Chakotay nodded his thanks, and before she could change her mind, he stole down the hall. When an officer appeared around a corner, Chakotay knocked him down easily, careful only to render him unconscious. He grabbed the man’s energy weapon and set it to stun. And then he ran like hell._

The memory faded as quickly as it had appeared. But Chakotay found himself frowning in a flash of clarity. “Selinae is a truth-seeker,” he rasped softly, in Valiquan. “Before, you called me a truth-seeker, not truth-spreader. That means something, doesn’t it.”

They were interrupted by the sound of shouts – the Watchforce was getting closer. Even with Fiam’s help, he wasn’t going fast enough. That’s when Chakotay made a decision. He stopped, planting his feet into the ground as firmly as he could manage.

“Go, Fiam. You can’t risk being seen with me.”

“We can get further, maybe if I-”

Chakotay interrupted him, breathing hard. “No. I thank you for all you did for me. But I have to make my stand here. I’m tired of all this running. I’m so…” He coughed, fire burning in his chest. “So tired.”

“I can’t leave you here alon-”

Chakotay pulled his phaser from his bag and pointed it at Fiam. “Yes, you can. You must. Now go. Otherwise I’ll have to stun you, and I don’t want to do that.”

Fiam stared at him with a mix of puzzlement and indignation, as if trying to determine whether Chakotay was bluffing. His hesitation was costing them both precious seconds. “I’m sorry,” Chakotay told him in English before squeezing the trigger. Fiam went down with a thud. The phaser had been set to stun, but Chakotay checked his pulse, to make sure. He was breathing evenly. Chakotay grabbed the bag of medical supplies Fiam had brought with him and backed away a few steps. He closed his eyes against a new wave of dizziness, bending over to rest his hands on his knees.

The shouts were getting nearer and he could now see Watchforce officers run toward him through the woods. Bringing up the rear was Selinae. She gave him a long, apologetic look as her officers came within range and stopped, raising their weapons in his direction, but Chakotay couldn’t make sense of her expression. All he wanted to do was lie down, and sleep. And forget about the pain, and about Fiam, and most of all, about the vision of Kathryn backing away from him.

oooOooo

“We’re in position!” Captain Tuvok alerted Kathryn through the combadge and Kathryn exchanged a nod with B’Elanna, her heart beating a mad, anxious, beat in her chest.

“Here goes nothing…” B’Elanna mumbled as she focused on the console.

oooOooo

“Arrest the intruder,” Selinea told her officers, but she was watching him so intently... Her eyes moved to Fiam’s unconscious body a few feet from Chakotay, then came back up to his face. As if she was trying to tell him something. What the hell was she trying to say? His vision blurred and suddenly black spots swam in his line of vision. At the same moment he felt the blood drain from his face – he was about to faint, so he bent over again, trying to breathe through it.

He closed his eyes. Waiting for the officers to grab him. Or kill him.

Chakotay actually startled when one of the energy weapons was discharged, but not at him. Looking up, it didn’t take long to realize that Selinae had shot at one of her own officers. There was a moment of stunned quiet, and then…chaos ensued. Shots were fired from all directions and working on instinct and adrenaline alone now, Chakotay scrambled for cover, ducking and tripping as he tried to put as much distance between himself and the crossfire.

Just when he saw energy blasts hit trees and rocks all around him, he felt a slight tingling, and before he realized what was happening, all turned to light.

oooOooo

“We have a lock!” Seven announced from the transporter room.

“Energize!” Kathryn ordered frantically just as she ran inside the transporter room. She came in as the shimmering light of matter appeared. A second later the matter took corporeal form and Chakotay materialized. He slumped down the platform as if he’d been running and tripping, but Kathryn was there to catch him. His hands went up to her shoulders instinctively, gripping for dear life. His dead weight made her stagger back, but what shocked her was how terrible, terrible he looked. One glance at his pale, bloody face and she felt the cold hand of fear grip her heart.

“Get the Doctor!” She ordered without looking back to see if Seven obeyed. She lowered Chakotay to the ground as delicately as she could and touched his temple with the back of her fingers. He felt clammy, feverish. She’d rarely seen him look so pale, his usually tan skin was closer to grey, his lips colorless. By all appearances he hadn’t shaven in several days, and his hair was dull with dry sweat and in disarray. There was dried blood over a large bruise on his forehead. But it was the haunted, feverish look in his eyes when he looked at her that scared her the most.

His fingers tightened around her shoulders. “Kathryn! Thank God you’re alive!” He rasped, his fingers traveling from her shoulder to touch her face. Despite the frantic look in his eyes, his touch was gentle, filled with tenderness, and Kathryn resisted the urge to lean into the caress. Clearly he was delirious. In his right mind Chakotay had never looked at her with such forceful longing and despair.

“What’s taking the Doctor so long?” She barked over her shoulder as she took hold of Chakotay’s fingers and moved them away from her face.

“I thought you were dead,” Chakotay went on, oblivious. “I never got to answer that question you asked.”

“It’s okay, I’m here now.” Kathryn’s words felt useless, and he didn’t quite seem to hear her.

“You asked what I would tell you if you were real,” he spoke quickly, frantically, as if he felt like he was running out of time. His fingers squeezed tighter on her hand. “I’d tell you how much I’ve missed you over the last few months. I’d tell you that it’s me who can’t live a day without you. Believe me, I’ve tried. And I’d tell you…” His words faltered when he started wheezing, unable to draw breath, and the panic in his eyes when he started coughing tore at Kathryn’s heart.

“Admiral.” Kathryn startled. It was the Doctor – he’d materialized next to them.

She shifted as much to the side as Chakotay allowed as he clang to her in order to let the Doctor work. He moved his tricorder up and down Chakotay’s body. When the Doctor looked up to Kathryn, his expression was somber.

“Let’s take him to sickbay. Quickly.”

Kathryn looked over her shoulder to give the order for transport and found herself meeting Seven’s gaze. Kathryn felt herself flush in a mix of guilt and self-consciousness when she realized Seven had witnessed everything. Seven nodded. “Activating room to room transport.”

Ooooooo


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor had dimmed down the lights before retiring for the night. Sickbay was quiet but for the background humming of the various medical devices. Chakotay’s biobed buzzed quietly while the patient slept; with the dark lid in place over Chakotay’s torso, it monitored his vitals and fluid intake in the Doctor’s absence.

Kathryn sat in an uncomfortable chair next to the bed, her feet propped up against the metal legs, her chin resting in the palm of her hand. Just watching him. Thinking. She was exhausted – _drained_ – with relief and a pang of residual concern, but she had given up on sleep after she’d tossed and turned for over an hour. Deep down, she’d known there was only one place she longed to be for her last night on Voyager. With the crisis averted, the admiralty had asked her back to Earth, but she wasn’t going to leave without spending every minute at Chakotay’s side while she still could. Making sure that he didn’t stop breathing.

Breath in. Breath out.

She couldn’t quite express her relief at seeing him back in sickbay, here on Voyager. Under the Doctor’s good care, his fever had gone down and his internal injuries had been repaired in surgery. The Doctor had been more worried about Chakotay’s brain injury, but he was hopeful that he’d make a full recovery. He expected Chakotay to be out of commission for a while, to give time to his body to fully heal, but, he had assured Kathryn, he was hopeful that he would bounce back. Now that he’d been cleaned up, Chakotay looked even paler than before, but it looked as though _some_ color had returned to his skin over the last few hours. He still wore a week’s worth of stubble, and Kathryn had to admit, she secretly liked how rakish it made him look, even in an artificially-induced sleep.

As she quietly sat there, Kathryn couldn’t stop replaying the scene from the transporter over and over in her mind. Chakotay’s words, the frantic despair in his voice, the feverish zeal in his eyes, the way his fingers had dug painfully into her arms – like a drowning man. And the gentleness of his touch against her cheek… Clearly he had been delirious; he had talked about believing her dead, and her asking him questions she had never asked. But… _something_ about it had felt real. Heartfelt. Desperate.

_I’d tell you I’ve missed you. I’d tell you that it’s me who can’t live a day without you. Believe me, I’ve tried._

Kathryn’s heart had nearly shattered at his words and expression, and it had scared her, how much her happiness depended on Chakotay being alive. How much her happiness depended on him actually meaning those words. The need was so powerful now, constricting her heart hard, it felt like her insides were twisted into a tight knot.

It scared her so much her first instinct was to pull away, just like she always had.

“Admiral.”

Kathryn startled from her thoughts, despite the soft tone of the voice. She straightened slightly as she watched Seven approach, grateful that the semi-darkness of the room would keep Seven from noticing her guilty flush. “Couldn’t regenerate?” Kathryn asked as she rubbed her temple distractedly.

“I was on my way now,” Seven replied softly as she came to stand on the other side of the biobed, her hands clasped together behind her back. “I wished to complete my report of the scans from Valona first. And see how Chakotay is faring.”

Kathryn nodded. “The Doctor said it’s a miracle he survived this long with his injuries.” A swell of relief caught her unaware, constricting her throat even as she spoke.

Seven smiled slightly, nodding. “Chakotay always was strong. I’m glad that his resilience, and appreciation for life, made him want to continue fighting as long as he did.”

Kathryn nodded. “Me too.” They fell silent as they both watched Chakotay slumber.

Breath in. Breath out.

If she closed her eyes, she could still feel his hot breath against her cheek, from the moment he had clung to her. She shook herself.

“Earlier, in the transporter room,” Kathryn started, her voice sounding raw to her ears, “you didn’t seem surprised by what Chakotay said to me.” Though Chakotay had told Kathryn that his relationship with Seven was over, Kathryn had been taken aback by the unfazed expression on Seven’s face. If their situation had been reversed, Kathryn doubted she would have been able to look so…understanding. And unruffled.

“No.” Seven exhaled. “Chakotay has always cared deeply for you, it is obvious to anyone who knows you both.”

Kathryn barked out a quick, wry chuckle. “Really.” Of course she’d known that he cared about her; he was her friend, her confidante. A long time ago she had even believed he might be in love with her. But so much had happened since then. For years, she had kept him at arms-length, convincing herself that his feelings were unrequited, and even undesirable for two Starfleet officers. But his words… his words implied that he had never stopped loving her, despite everything she’d done to push him away. Was that even possible? If so, she didn’t feel deserving of such devotion, even when that was precisely what her heart desired most.

But what if that weren’t the case? What if she confronted him when he recovered, and he claimed that he couldn’t remember his words? What if he really had moved on and this had just been the fever talking? The fear of opening up to him only to be shut down, of getting her hopes up and then getting them crushed, pressed on her. She wanted to believe that they might have a chance, but the rational, careful part of her, cautioned her to be wary, lest her heart be broken. Kathryn had never been afraid to give her heart before, so what was so different about Chakotay? What made him so much scarier than the other men Kathryn had given her heart to? He was as steadfast as any of them, if not more so. So what, then?

“I couldn’t help but notice that _you,_ on the other hand, showed considerable surprise,” Seven commented. “Even incredulity.” 

This was hitting a little too close to home for Kathryn’s taste. She deflected it with a smirk. “Ha! You’ve certainly become quite the expert on reading human emotions, Seven,” she drawled as she shifted to rest her elbows on her thighs, clasping her hands together.

Seven stiffened at the closed-off tone, a frown touching her face. “It was a simple observation. I didn’t mean to pry.” She looked down at Chakotay again. “Do we know what happened to him?”

Kathryn shook her head, grateful for the change of subject. “Crawford hasn’t found out anything from the footage from the OPPP yet. It might just be that Chakotay remained invisible to the system for as long as he could.” Kathryn leaned back into her chair again, propping her feet back up. “We’ll just have to wait for him to wake up to know the extent of his ordeal.”

Seven nodded gravely as she glanced over Chakotay’s vitals on the console.

“Seven,” Kathryn started again. “Can I ask – what went wrong? Between you and Chakotay?”

Seven drew in a breath through her noise. “Nothing. We merely realized that we were… incompatible… in the end.”

Chakotay had used the exact same words. “What does that mean?”

“I could not be satisfied living a sedentary life on Earth. I felt… out of place, there. Without a purpose. Chakotay, on the other end… He relished what he often referred to as a second chance. He embraced the change. I could not.”

“I see.”

Seven gazed back at her. “It was for the best. I care for him, and I believe I always will, but perhaps not in the sustainable way that characterizes successful, long-term monogamous relationships.”

Kathryn nodded, lost in thought.

“I must regenerate. Good night, Admiral.”

“Good night, Seven,” Kathryn replied distractedly.

Seven stopped after she’d taken a few steps and half turned to look at Kathryn, frowning. “For what it’s worth... I’ve always suspected that Chakotay was holding on to the hope of something, or rather someone, he’d convinced himself to be unattainable. Needless to say, that situation changed the moment he resigned from Starfleet.” She paused, as if to make sure her point would travel home. “Your fears about learning his true feelings are unfounded.”

Kathryn pursed her lips and glared at Seven, a little piqued at how freely Seven gave her opinion. And yet, she was unable to deny how much her words kindled the flame of hope in her chest.

Seven squared her shoulders in that self-confident, provocative way of hers and tossed a small smile. “You’ve often told me things I didn’t want to hear, presumably for my own good. I’m merely returning the favor, as a friend. Good night, Admiral.” She left before Kathryn could formulate a response.

And damn her if Seven had not seen right through her.

oooOooo

Chakotay slept for just over 36 hours straight.

Or so he was told when he finally woke up.

He was disoriented at first, when he opened his eyes and found himself in sickbay aboard Voyager, with the Doctor leaning over him, smiling. Could this be real? Was Voyager part of his delusion now? He was comfortably warm, and though his limbs felt heavy, he was no longer in pain and he could breathe without the fear of that burning pain he’d grown used to. The whole situation was so surreal, it felt like a dream. The last thing he remembered was Fiam helping him escape from the Watchforce. And then how Selinae and her officers had caught up to them in the end. He vaguely remembered being transported, and talking to Kathryn, but the memories were blurry and fleeting. He had trouble teasing apart the real from the wishful.

But as the Doctor kept yapping away happily at how relieved everyone would be to find him awake, Chakotay realized that this was really happening – he’d made it. After the Doctor asked him about how he was feeling, Chakotay felt drained. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep again.

The second time he woke up, the Doctor checked up on him, then made idle conversation, as if to keep Chakotay entertained. Chakotay was grateful, because most of his memories of what happened (or didn’t happen) confused him, and he didn’t have the energy to make sense of it all now.

The Doctor helped him to sit up and offered him a glass of water, which Chakotay took eagerly. His arm felt heavy and shaky, despite the fact that he should feel lighter now that he was back under earth-like gravity forces.

“Admiral Janeway really wanted to be here when you woke up,” the Doctor told him as he scanned him with the medical tricorder, “but she was recalled to Earth, much to her chagrin. She asked me to tell you that she was sorry she couldn’t be here when you woke up, and that she would come to see you as soon as you were back on Earth.”

Chakotay blinked. His mind flashed with a memory – a vision of running into Kathryn’s arms, her eyes wide with fear as she held him close. “She was here?” Chakotay asked, then cleared his throat when the sound that came out of him sounded more like a croak than actual words.

“Oh yes. You don’t remember?” The Doctor asked, giving Chakotay a sidelong look, as if he knew something Chakotay didn’t.

Chakotay frowned. “I’m not sure, I…”

The Doctor nodded. “It’s alright, short-term memory loss and some confusion is expected after what you’ve been through.”

Chakotay nodded, though he was still frowning. She had been real then. He swallowed, but found that he was choking up with a sudden rush of emotion. She truly had come for him. And apparently brought Voyager with her.

“Chakotay,” the Doctor continued carefully, “it might help with my treatment if I knew what did happen to you on Valona. When we transported you, you spoke to the admiral as if she had been with you on the planet. Did you suffer hallucinations?”

Chakotay sighed, leaning back against the pillows. The memories were still somewhat jumbled, but he figured it might actually help him to tell the Doctor, so he did. He told him about his hallucinations, memory loss, and how he had treated his injuries as well as he could under the circumstances. The Doctor listened more patiently and with more empathy than Chakotay had ever given him credit for, humming in acknowledgment every once in a while, as if cataloging the facts Chakotay was recounting. When he was done, Chakotay looked up at the Doctor. “You’re not going to tell Kathryn about this, are you? I’d rather explain myself.”

“Everything you’ve told me is confidential, of course,” the Doctor assured him.

Chakotay nodded gratefully. “Thank you.” He was surprised to realize that talking about it had actually helped clear his mind. He now remembered perfectly how he’d escaped from the compound where he was held prisoner, and how he had in fact slid off the edge of the cliff as he’d fumbled in the dark, shouts from the Watchforce following him. The Doctor confirmed that a fall was consistent with the nature of his injuries. He also reassured Chakotay that his hallucinations would not return, as they had likely been a result of his head trauma. Needless to say, that was a relief, though a part of Chakotay would probably never be satisfied with that answer.

“Now, if you’re feeling up to it, Cadets Crawford and Martinez have been anxious to see you. As well as many other well-wishers.”

Chakotay’s head snapped up to the Doctor at that. “They’re here? They’re safe?”

The Doctor smiled. “You can see for yourself.” He left for a few moments, and when he returned, the two cadets were trailing behind him. Martinez broke into warm sobs of relief – she always seemed to let her emotions run free – and Crawford was sporting a rare, wide smile.

Chakotay grinned tiredly when he saw them, safe and sound. He’d grown fond of them over the time they’d spent working together on Valona. He gave Martinez a reprimanding look. “I’m okay, Joanna. Thanks to the both of you, from what I hear.”

She shook her head, still sobbing. “I’m sorry sir, I can’t help it! It’s so good to see you up!”

Chakotay reached out to grab a tissue from the stand next to him and handed it to her. She took it gratefully and blew her nose noisily, earning an incredulous glare from Ian. The whole scene made Chakotay smile. It was good to see them again, with their youthful energy and hopeful dispositions.

“It was teamwork,” Ian told him humbly. “But I’m relieved to see you’re okay, sir.”

They stayed for about an hour, telling him their side of the story, until the Doctor interrupted to shoo them out, out of concern for his patient. Chakotay was inwardly grateful; he had started to feel drowsy again, and though they weren’t done telling him the details, at least now he had a good idea of what had happened, and his head felt clearer than it had in days. He now knew how Kathryn had brought Voyager, and in particular B’Elanna, Harry, and Seven, to help the Einstein team. How Ian’s strike of genius had allowed B’Elanna to recognize his SOS signal. And how they’d been able to combine their efforts to transport him off the planet – not a moment too soon.

Later, B’Elanna and Tom stopped by, bringing 8-month old Miral with them. They let her crawl around sickbay, much to the dismay of the Doctor, who ran around to keep her from getting her tiny hands on “dangerous” items, sending affronted looks in the direction of her smirking parents. Harry, Tuvok and Ayala joined them eventually as well.

Seven also stopped by briefly. This was their first meeting since they had ended their relationship, but Chakotay was relieved to sense no awkwardness between them. She looked well, content. Driven, as usual. She kept their conversation away from anything personal as she recounted her side of the story and told him what she had been up to since they had last seen each other.

While he was happy to see his friends from Voyager, Chakotay realized that there was one person he wanted to see above all else – if only to reassure himself that she was real, and safe. When he closed his eyes he could still see imaginary-Kathryn backing away from him and getting ready to sacrifice herself to give him a fighting chance. Chakotay _knew_ it hadn’t been real. But the emotions that the hallucination had triggered definitely had been genuine, and brutal – the fear, the anguish, the guilt, the love that had felt like it would make his heart explode or shatter to pieces. And to get closure on that, he needed to see her. The real her. And he needed to explain to her why he’d spoken to her in that way, after he’d been transported to Voyager. He’d probably scared her off with his feverish rambling, and he needed to make sure that she knew what had made him say what he said. And that he’d actually meant it. He was mortified of the way he had told her, yet another part of him was relieved that the ice was broken. He had been carrying this for too long, and it was high time she knew what was in his heart. She needed to know that he was tired of pretending he had moved on, or that he didn’t miss her every day.

Even if she didn’t feel the same way about him.

It would have to wait, however.

He had not actually completed his mission, and Chakotay hated leaving anything pending. It nagged at his conscience. After spending three days in sickbay, the Doctor released him, and Chakotay, Ayala, Crawford and Martinez returned to the Einstein, so that Voyager could return to whatever mission had been waiting for them.

Once back aboard the Einstein, he discussed at length with the others what was going on on Valona, and in Valiq in particular, and they all agreed that, though they had learned quite a bit in their time there, they had barely scratched the surface of the storm that seemed to be brewing there. Chakotay’s short conversations with Fiam and Selinae had left him wondering about the Valiq Imperium and their use (or misuse?) of the Orbital Population Protection Program, and about their explicit and not-so-explicit acts of resistance. He was pretty sure Selinae had been the one to have him healed after they’d shot him, and Fiam had also helped him when he didn’t have to. The young man’s words in particular, about Chakotay being a truth-seeker, had left him wondering about what that particular phrase meant. It had felt significant.

So, after going over his theories with Captain Shermik, it was agreed that Chakotay would transport down to the planet for 38 minutes – the time it took for the forcefield frequencies to reset. With Crawford’s help, Chakotay made sure Fiam was at home on the evening Chakotay transported directly into his house.

Fiam nearly jumped out of his skin when he walked out of his kitchen area and found Chakotay standing in his living room, a bag slung over his shoulder. His brows furrowed in surprise. “I see you made it to safety, I’m relieved to discover it. You look… much improved,” he added with an easy smile.

Chakotay nodded. He was still weak and still didn’t quite feel like himself, but he was definitely improving every day. “I am, thank you. I truly couldn’t have made it without your help. And Selinae’s. Which is why I’m here. I came to apologize, for stunning you, that day in the forest.”

Fiam shook his head. “It _was_ rather unpleasant, but you were correct, it probably saved me in the end. No one suspected that I was there to help you, that day. I told them you had taken me against my will to access medical supplies, though it pained me to lie so openly.”

Chakotay nodded. “What happened after I left? Selinea…?”

Fiam’s expression darkened. “I’m afraid _she_ could not escape suspicion. When I woke up, I found myself in the medical center. I was told what she did, opening fire on her officers – they said it wasn’t long before they overtook her. She was taken for questioning.”

Chakotay let out a slow exhale, his stomach clenching with guilt at the news. He knew from experience what that meant. “I’m truly sorry to hear that. I couldn’t have made it without her help.” He frowned. “Why did she do it? Why risk her life to help a complete stranger, and one from another planet at that? She didn’t owe me anything.”

Fiam hesitated for a moment, but by the sadness in his eyes, Chakotay understood it was more from a struggle to find his composure than reluctance. He had cared about Selinae. In the end Fiam shrugged sadly. “Because it’s what we stand for.”

Chakotay tilted his head curiously. “When you mentioned being a truth-seeker… you were talking about some kind of a resistance movement against the way the Imperium has been using the OPPP.”

“Yes. And their other abuses.”

“And Selinae was a part of it too.”

“Yes. Her actions that day… it was the culmination of several months of resistance. It was only a matter of time before they started suspecting her. Which is why, I think, she decided to help you that day.”

“She had little left to lose,” Chakotay finished, and Fiam nodded.

They fell silent for a moment, lost in thought. After a beat Chakotay started again. “Fiam,” he said seriously, wetting his lips, “do you know why I came to Valona?”

“You said you had come to learn about our customs.”

“Yes. But there was a purpose to that research. My people are part of an organization called the United Federation of Planets. Hundreds of worlds have joined, with the purpose of trade, intellectual and cultural exchange, and military alliances. We know that it’s only a matter of time before you are able of warp-speed space travel, so I was tasked by my commanders to determine whether Valona, and the Valiq in particular, were good candidates to be offered membership in the Federation.”

Fiam sat down, astonished, but then started shaking his head mournfully. “It sounds marvelous. Mind blowing. But… We are not ready,” he added, his voice cracking. It broke Chakotay’s heart a little to see that Fiam was aware of that already. It was terrible to be so young and understand so much. “My people… most of us are disposed to kindness, and curiosity. But since the Orbital Population Protection Program was put in place a generation ago, the Imperium has only grown greedier, and more brutal in their punishments for crimes that they themselves have invented to justify the continued use of the program. We are caught in a vicious cycle.”

Chakotay nodded somberly, pursing his lips. “This was my conclusion as well. But meeting people like you, who are willing to risk everything for others, makes me believe that there’s hope for the Valiq people yet.” Chakotay smiled gently. “Maybe in another generation, you will be ready to look beyond the forcefield, to the stars. And join the Federation.”

Fiam swallowed multiple times, as if trying to swallow a sudden lump in his throat. Eventually he cleared his throat, his eyes hiding nothing of the sudden rush of emotions. In the end he merely nodded gratefully.

Chakotay nodded in acknowledgement, then smiled. “I almost forgot,” he said as he grabbed his bag. “I’ve also come to return a few items.” He handed the bag with replicated versions of everything Chakotay had taken from Fiam’s house to build his radio.

Fiam let out a surprised chuckle as he took it. “Thank you.”

Chakotay nodded again, smiling. “I don’t have to leave for a few more minutes, you wouldn’t happen to have some of those delicious fruits – the ones with the soft, yellow rind?” He asked with a grin. “I’d love to bring some for a friend of mine. She asked for a t-shirt, but I think this will do much better.”

Fiam’s smile returned “You are talking about _liekas_. Yes, I do have some. And I’m happy to share with a fellow truth-spreader. And truth-seeker,” he added with a formal bow of his head.

Chakotay replied in kind.

oooOooo


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the final chapter! Thank you for reading, and special thanks to everyone who has commented and kudoed, it makes my day! I hope you enjoy the reunion!

It was a beautiful evening in San Francisco. The breeze from the Bay was sweet and smelled of early summer. Chakotay breathed in as deeply as he could as he made his way across the grounds of Starfleet Command. His lungs were still healing from the ordeal, so it didn’t take much for him to be short of breath. Simply walking or climbing a set of stairs got him breathing heavily. The Doctor had warned him it might take a while before he would be back to his previous level of fitness. Chakotay hated having to pace himself, but there wasn’t much he could except take it slowly.

The sun was getting lower over the horizon, bathing the city with slanted beams of gold. Chakotay realized then that he had missed being earthbound, while he’d been on Valona. It was amazing to him sometimes, how fast he had adapted to life on Earth after spending so much time in space. He missed it sometimes, of course – the crew, especially – but the whole Voyager experience made him appreciate even more the earthly things that many took for granted: sunsets, the smell of rain, the sound of seagulls calling, the feel of the pavement under the soles of his shoes.

He drew in one last breath of the slightly salty breeze before going inside. The Admiralty at Starfleet Command was imposing – all marble floors and grand halls, but Chakotay saw little of it while he received his visitor’s pass and then made his way to the top floor, where Kathryn’s office was located. The perks of making it to the top brass of Starfleet, Chakotay thought to himself with a smirk. He was proud of her, for going through with her life-long dreams, and for endeavoring every day to make of Starfleet the force for good that she wanted it to be. That she needed it to be.

At last Chakotay reached her office. He stopped a couple of feet short of the door to catch his breath and stop his heart from racing in a mix of anticipation and dread. After one more bracing sigh, Chakotay stepped up to the open door and peaked inside.

Kathryn had her back to him as she stood by her large window, slightly bent at the waist. She was talking in hushed tones, and Chakotay grinned when he realized the potted Vulcan lilies that had found a home on the windowsill were the recipients of her conversation. He’d seen her do something similar with Voyager too. Finding himself grinning at the sight of her doing something as mundane as talking to her plants, Chakotay leaned his shoulder against the door frame, transfixed. It struck him again, like a wave, how much he had missed her since they’d been back to the Alpha Quadrant.

“Do they ever talk back?” He asked eventually, pushing off from the doorframe.

Kathryn spun around with a barely audible “oh,” and before Chakotay could even greet her properly, she’d crossed the distance between them in four determined strides, and thrown her arms around his neck. Her hug was fierce, desperate with relief. Such a drastic change from the awkward greeting they had shared the last time he was here.

Chakotay returned the embrace eagerly and with no small amount of relief, folding his arms around her and angling his chin against her neck. She was warm and soft and… so very real. He breathed her in, tightening his hold on her briefly before she pulled back. Her hands still on his shoulders, she levelled a look up at his face – as if to say “let me look at you.” Chakotay quirked up a smile as she looked him over, her eyes quickly assessing his health and injuries (or lack thereof). Chakotay returned her look in kind, taking the opportunity to erase the memory of imaginary-Kathryn and replace her with permanent images of the only Kathryn that had ever mattered.

“I’m so glad you’re safe,” she breathed after a long moment, her voice raw, and her eyes shiny.

Chakotay fought the urge to return the sentiment. Imaginary-Kathryn may have been a figment of his imagination, but Chakotay still felt a surge of despair when the memory of her sacrificing herself flashed through his mind. He realized now that this particular scenario had long been one of his worst subconscious nightmares, so it was no surprise that it had been part of his delusion. Throughout their years on Voyager, he had done everything in his power to keep her safe – it had been his self-appointed duty. She could take care of herself, she was Kathryn Janeway, but the impulse to protect her had always been there, at the back of his mind, shaping his counsel and his actions as her First Officer. This need wasn’t born out of a lack of confidence in her capabilities, but rather from deep, irrefutable feelings that he could (and would) no longer deny, or hide from.

“It’s good to be home,” he replied with a smile, meeting her eyes – and losing himself in her gaze for a second. Eventually he remembered himself and tore his eyes away to fish inside his messenger bag. He pulled out a PADD and handed it to her.

She met his gaze in curious surprise. “What’s this?” 

“My recommendations. About Velona,” he said.

Was it his imagination or did she look a tad disappointed that his first order of business was work-related? She hid it quickly, looking down to skim the report over. After a moment she stared up at him again, her eyes wide.

“You went back to Valona?”

Chakotay nodded, rearranging the strap of his bag over his shoulder. “Only briefly. There were some answers I needed to find. Closure, if you will.”

“Did you find what you were looking for?” She asked softly, curiously.

“For the most part. Which reminds me, I have something for you.” He pulled out the small bag of liekas from his bag and handed it to her.

She opened it eagerly, sending him curious glances, before she pulled out one of the fruits.

“They’re called _liekas._ It means ‘sweet life.’ They made me think of you,” Chakotay told her unabashedly.

She blinked in surprise before she brought the small yellow fruit to her nose. She hummed in surprised pleasure then stared up at him in amazement. “It smells wonderful!”

He nodded, delighted by her reaction. “They taste pretty good too.”

“Thank you.” She looked up at him curiously, bringing the fruit to her nose once again as she studied him, her fingers spinning the lieka distractedly. “You got us all so worried, Chakotay. What happened to you out there?”

Chakotay suddenly found himself unable to meet her eyes. He hesitated, scratching his temple distractedly. The whole experience was fresh enough to trigger a surge of panic every time he thought about it, or even dreamt about it. The fear of getting caught notwithstanding, he’d been _dying_ down on that planet, away from anyone that had ever mattered to him. And he had never been so scared in his entire life. She was watching him closely, her expression empathetic and sad and understanding.

“Let’s just say… I hope my next assignment will be an archaeological excavation where my biggest fright is my PADDs running out of power.”

She snorted in amusement, smiling, as she stepped aside and gestured for him to come in more fully. She closed the door behind him and went to sit on one end of the large sofa that lined her office – much like the one in her ready room on Voyager. Chakotay followed, sitting next to her. He could tell from her expression that she wasn’t fooled by his attempt at humor.

“But if you really want to know,” he started again, elbows on his thighs, his tone serious. “I got captured by the Valiq police force. I was able to escape, but I fell down this cliff-”

“Is that how you got your injuries?” She asked quietly. Chakotay’s head snapped up to her at that. Of course she knew what his injuries were. She had been there to catch him after all.

“Yes.” He inhaled again. “And after that, all I could think about what surviving, and finding a way off the planet.” He told her how he’d built a radio with random items from Fiam’s house, and how Fiam and Selinae had helped him escape the Watchforce.

“And then… you brought me home,” he finished, meeting her eyes.

Silence fell between them as they both remembered what had come next. He cleared his throat.

“Kathryn,” he started so seriously he felt her stiffen next to him, “I want to explain, about what happened in the transporter room….” His words faltered, his mouth suddenly dry. Chakotay kept his eyes on her while he tried to summon the right words to convey what he was trying to say. 

She mistook his hesitation for reluctance. She plastered a smile on her face, shaking her head. “Oh there’s no need to apologize. You were delirious – there’s no point in bringing it up, I’m sure you probably don’t remember any of it.”

Chakotay studied her, trying to understand why she was so desperate to give him an out. Why she felt the urge to nip the conversation in the bud. The realization that she was saying this because she didn’t believe he meant the words he had said – or because she didn’t _want_ him to mean them – stung painfully. Something of his hurt must have registered in his expression because she flushed. It was subtle, but Chakotay had years of practice at deciphering every little flicker of emotion in her expression.

“Actually,” he told her seriously, unable to match her lighthearted tone, not with his heart in his throat. “I remember every word.” He swallowed, glancing down at his hands for a moment. “I _am_ sorry if I embarrassed you. But that’s not what I meant to say.”

Her smile faded. “I wasn’t embarrassed,” she told him sincerely, now matching his quiet tone. “The only thing I was feeling was concern, Chakotay. Nothing you could say or do would ever embarrass me.”

He nodded, frowning. “I still think it deserves some explaining.”

She frowned, but nodded slowly, as if steeling herself.

Chakotay inhaled before diving in. “When you transported me – I was disoriented, true, but I wasn’t entirely delirious.” He licked his lips. “You see, when I was on Valona, at first I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten there or what I was doing there, alone. I was lost, in more ways than one. As a way of coping, I suppose, my mind conjured you up. The Doctor says that’s probably a result of my brain injury, and I honestly don’t know if that’s really the case, or if the Valiq had drugged me, or if this was my spirit guide talking through you…or something else. But the point is, talking to you… it made me feel like I wasn’t alone.”

“Chakotay,” she said on a long sigh.

He raised his hand to stop her from interrupting before he had a chance to finish. “And to my way of thinking, that _means_ something, Kathryn. Because, of all the people I care about, when I was alone and struggling to survive … _You_ were the one I wanted there with me. You were the one I needed. You’re the one that inspired me. That pushed me to keep going. And to me, _that_ …well, that’s as real as it gets.”

Her cheeks flushed and her eyes glistened, but he saw it the instant the wall came down around her feelings, guarding herself. He’d seen her do that often enough to know all too well what that meant: she was going to push him away. Put distance between them.

Her reaction felt like a bucket of cold water poured over his head, and his heart sank as he realized that, while he was ready to acknowledge what was between them – what had always been between them – she hadn’t gone through a similar journey. He leaned back, fighting against the sudden tightness in his throat and around his heart. He smiled wanly to himself, feeling stupid for thinking she might actually return his feelings. She had never given him any signs that she did, so, really, this was all on him. He stood to his feet. “I probably shouldn’t have told you. But I felt you had a right to understand. I promise you won’t ever hear me say anything about it again.”

He took one step before she grabbed his hand.

“Chakotay, wait.”

His head snapped back toward her at the unexpected contact. Her hand was warm and soft in his. It’s only after a second or so that he noticed her fingers were trembling.

Her eyes were glassy when she looked up at him, and she swallowed, hard. She stood to her feet and went to stand directly in front of him, her fingers still holding on to his palm. When she spoke again her voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry. That was…” She shook her head, frustrated with herself. “A knee-jerk reaction.” She met his eyes. “I don’t know why I keep doing that. Pushing you away.”

_We need to define parameters. About us._ Chakotay blinked at the memory – both the real memory, and that moment on the planet when he’d relived it. The first time she had pushed him away, or at the very least, drawn a line between them.

He also recalled what he had told imaginary-Kathryn then: _A part of you recognized there was a connection, an attraction, between us. And got scared it would come in the way of you being a good Starfleet officer._ He’d always known she was afraid of the potential between them. He had just hoped that, now that their circumstances had changed, she would be able to get over her fear. And trust him. Trust them. 

He nodded slowly, letting out a long breath. “Force of habit. From years of practice at keeping me at arms-length. I get it,” he acknowledged carefully. A tiny flame of hope refused to die though, somewhere near his heart.

She seemed relieved that he understood. “Precisely. And I’ve actually given this a lot of thought recently,” she said quietly, swallowing, as if suddenly nervous. Kathryn Janeway was never nervous about anything, and yet, here she was… “The truth, Chakotay, is that I’ve been hiding behind our return, and the promotions, and the new job… to avoid thinking about what I lost.”

Chakotay frowned, puzzled. “What you lost? You mean the day Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant?”

She shook her head. “No. I mean the day you resigned. It was as if you’d taken a part of me with you through the door that day. I thought you had moved on, with Seven and the new position… I felt that I was losing you.” She paused to let out a raspy breath, meeting his eyes, the vulnerability in her slight one-shouldered shrug tugging painfully at his heartstrings. “And it scared me – how much that hurt, how much I realized I needed you. So I tried to ignore it. Move on. Convincing myself that I was just missing you because I’d gotten used to you. But,” she swallowed again. “The last few days have made me realize…it was so much more than that, Chakotay. And now you’re safe, and I still keep pushing you away. When all I really want to do is the opposite.”

Chakotay’s heart skipped a beat at the emotion in her voice, and then raced at warp speed, at how vulnerable the curve of her eyebrows made her look, how her voice cracked slightly on the last word. As they gazed at each other something passed between them, like a tacit acknowledgement that both of them were deciding, right there and then, to stop pretending. Her expression lifted ever so slightly, her eyes shining with a different, elated rush of emotion, and Chakotay felt himself smile softly in response, at what she was allowing him to see. At the way she was letting her walls down. Her fears, her hopes, her wishes, all there for him to see.

And suddenly they were both moving, some magnetic force pulling them both toward that one spot halfway between them. Their mouths met in a hungry clash of lips and teeth, fingers digging into each other’s hair and pulling the other closer until their bodies were flush and they were sharing a breath, occupying as much of the same space as the laws of physics allowed. The kiss was hungry and desperate, drawing out gasps and moans from both of them, neither of them knowing what sound came from whom. She tasted of coffee and starlight and adventure, and Chakotay knew he would never taste anything so thrilling or enticing. The feel and taste of her, and the thought that Kathryn’s kiss was so much _more_ than he could have ever imagined, set him ablaze. He moved his hands to her back, his fingers fisting into the fabric of her uniform in a frantic attempt to pull her even closer. Needing more. Her lips coaxed his mouth open, her nails tracing his scalp. He got so lost in their kiss that he suddenly realized he was breathless.

Literally.

He pulled back abruptly, his chest heaving as he gulped for air.

Kathryn was immediately concerned. “What’s the matter?”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry, my lungs…” He said between deep breaths, heady with too much emotion and desire and actual lack of oxygen. “I’m not one hundred percent yet.”

She titled her head in sudden understanding, her expression softening as her fingers went to touch his cheek affectionately, watching him with concern as he panted. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair tousled from his fingers and her eyes were dark and a tad unfocused. It took Chakotay every ounce of willpower he had not to lean in again. He raised his hand to gently touch her cheek. She leaned into the caress.

“I’m sorry, you should have said,” she replied apologetically, her voice delightfully raspy.

Chakotay chuckled softly as he took her hand. “It’s okay.”

“So I literally took your breath away, huh?” She teased as she stepped closer, into his arms, wrapping her arms around him again, bringing him closer. Chakotay’s heart swelled at her actions. She really wanted this. For some reason it was still boggling to him. After all the pining and the bittersweet moments… To have her close to him, to have her _want_ to be close to him made his heart feel like bursting.

He chuckled again, feeling his breath returning to normal, though his heart was still beating a mad rhythm. “Oh in more ways than one,” he replied in a matching tone, making her laugh. “But believe me, this is a much more delightful way to become short of breath than what I’ve experienced recently. Totally worth it.”

Her expression turned apologetic again as she met his eyes. “I’m sorry you went through what you did alone. If I could have been down there with you…”

Chakotay nodded, smiling. “I know. And in a way you were. I know it wasn’t really you, but…” Chakotay faltered, struggling to find the words to describe how real the hallucination had felt.

One of her hands moved up to the back of his head, her nails grazing his scalp. After a moment she smiled teasingly again. “Did you really have conversations with this Kathryn-Janeway-wannabe?”

Chakotay snorted at her turn of phrase. “Oh yes. A whole lot of them.”

Her eyes turned curious. “Oh really. What did you talk about?”

Chakotay shrugged, suddenly feeling embarrassed for bringing the whole hallucination thing again. It wasn’t his finest hour. He took in a long breath. “Mostly you just helped me think more clearly. Made me remember things. We argued a lot,” he added to lighten the mood.

“Ha!” She rolled her eyes in agreement. “Sounds about right.” Her smile faded slowly, but her hand was still tracing circles in his hair, comforting. “When you stumbled into the transporter room, you said something about believing I had died.”

There was a question in her statement. Chakotay closed his eyes at the surge of despair at the memory, but the feel of her – her breath against his chin, her hand in his hair, her body close to his – reminded him that she was safe. She was _here_. He shook his head, frowning. “In my delusion, I imagined that you put yourself in the line of fire to give me a chance to escape.”

When he met her eyes again she was smiling gently, empathetically. “That wasn’t so far-fetched. I would have done it, you know.”

Chakotay tightened his hold on her. “Don’t even joke about that, Kathryn.”

She seemed to sense the anguish the mere thought provoked in him, because she pulled him down into a hug again – this one meant to comfort – and then she leaned in to kiss him softly. Chakotay took the time to really take in the feel of her this time, the softness of her lips and skin. The scent of her. Her kiss was chaste, no doubt remembering the effect she’d had on him before, but there was so much tenderness in it that Chakotay’s heart soared. He leaned his forehead against hers.

After a moment he pulled back to check the time. It was past 7pm. “Are you done for the day?”

Her expression turned playful again. “It depends. What do you have in mind?” She asked flirtatiously, making Chakotay’s heart beat faster.

But he merely grinned. “Could I possibly tempt you with some food? Dinner?”

She smiled, extending her hand for him to take. Chakotay didn’t hesitate before taking it. Their fingers interlocked.

“Let’s get out of here,” she drawled as she grabbed her things, and the bag of liekas he had brought with him. “You didn’t smuggle those without authorization, did you?” She asked teasingly as she brought the fruits to her nose again. The delicious sweet smell drafted to Chakotay’s nose.

He grinned, but then put a mock frown onto his face. “Oops.”

She grinned as they exited her office and she took his arm. “You do know what the punishment for not declaring extraterrestrial fruit, is, don’t you?” She said as she poked his arm jestingly. “Confinement. I’m afraid we’ll both have to be quarantined.”

Chakotay frowned playfully. “Stuck with you, having your undivided attention for God knows how long….? I don’t think I could bear it, Admiral.”

“There’s no way out of it, I’m afraid. You, mister, are stuck with me.”

There was a deeper truth to her statement – and perhaps a trace of a residual deep-seated fear – in spite of the joking tone, so Chakotay stopped walking and turned around to meet her eyes. He leaned in closer so he could lower his voice. “Well, I’ve lived through a quarantine with you once before and survived to tell the tale. I think I’m more than up for the challenge.”

She grinned, amused, but there was relief in that smile too. “Good.” Her expression turned playful again as she chewed on her cheek. “Because I’ve missed having the last word.”

Chakotay’s snort turned into a chuckle as they started walking again. “I’m a civilian now, Kathryn. I don’t think you realize what you’re in for. I’ve grown quite used to having the last word myself.”

She gave him a sidelong look as she snuggled closer into his side. “That sounds like a challenge. I accept.”

Their laughter rose up and echoed in the grand halls.

ooooOooooo

I will fight  
I will fight for you  
I always do until my heart  
Is black and blue

And I will stay  
I will stay with you  
We'll make it to the other side  
Like lovers do

I'll reach my hands out in the dark  
And wait for yours to interlock  
I'll wait for you  
I'll wait for you

'Cause I'm not givin' up  
I'm not givin' up, givin' up  
No, not yet  
Even when I'm down to my last breath  
Even when they say there's nothin' left  
So don't give up on me

And I will hold  
I'll hold onto you  
No matter what this world'll throw  
It won't shake me loose

I'll reach my hands out in the dark  
And wait for yours to interlock  
I'll wait for you  
I'll wait for you

~ _Don’t Give Up On Me_ by Andy Grammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Please do not hesitate to comment, I always strive to improve my writing! Plus, feedback totally makes my day!
> 
> As a side note, every one of my stories draws some inspiration from songs, and this one is dedicated to Andy Grammer’s “Don’t give up on me”!
> 
> Lastly, the last bit about being confined was a coincidence initially, but I’ve decided to leave it as it now seems oddly appropriate! Stay home, stay safe and stay healthy, folks!


End file.
